You stop eating apples if your doctor is cute.
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Me looking for the right song so I can carry on cleaning
I still don’t understand why we are supposed to eat the tampon afterwards
My nephew, who’s about to turn 9, has asked for only one thing for his birthday: a clown ventriloquist puppet. In other news, I told my sister I’m no longer available for babysitting
The great thing about having pet insurance is that while our labrador is at the vets, they’ve given us a courtesy poodle to hang out with.
My wife and I toss a coin to settle arguments; heads she wins, tails I apologise.
A Slinky is a great way to teach young children that it’s fun to push things down the stairs.
I rolled up my yoga mat absolutely perfectly and if you think I’ll mess that up by working out, then you’re out of your mind.
It’s kind of comforting to know that no matter what you might be going through in life, that glitter you barely touched 12 years ago will always be there, on your face, making you look like an idiot.
She: But WHY are you breaking up with me? Please tell me honestly.
He (sigh): Ok It’s…your “signature sex move”
She: Judgmental Corpse?
People who replace “Christ” with “X” are missing the whole point of what the ChristBox 360 is about.
6yo: “Mom, Mom! I got to the number 200.”
Me: “Wow! Great job counting.”
6yo: “Thanks, I want to get to 300 stickers on the floor!”
Me: “Wait, what?”
Sugar-free anything tastes like it’s based on a true story.
I have two goals today. Breathe (nailing it) and shower (wish me luck).
If he doesn’t like fruit puns, let that mango.
Me: why don’t I have a gf
Him: have you tried asking someone
Me: no
Him: like her. Ask her.
Me [shyly, to her]: why don’t I have a gf
[family hears me pull in driveway]
wife: please don’t
wrestling announcer: sorry ma’am he already paid me. NOW ENTERING THE HOUSE FROM WORK
The cheese grader saw me walk in the house with a bag of shredded cheddar and shit got real awkward.
How far did I walk away from the sink when I was brushing my teeth? As always, too far.
When a 230 lb man yells from the shower for a towel, but you hand him a face cloth, he won’t find it nearly as funny as you do.
If I ever spend over $300 on shoes, they better have some James Bond shit in them.
New trend:
“Haunting”
It’s the opposite of ghosting. You break up, but hang around relentlessly.
Adults should not be twins. Being twins is for children.
PREGNANT CASHIER: Have a great day
ME: Thanks, have a great baby
Oh sweet embrace of morning, envelope me in your welcoming arms & brightly shine on this glorious GODDAMMIT! WHO DIDN’T FLUSH THE TOILET?!
My son is playing his first soccer game tonight and I’m pretty stoked he wasn’t the first kid to start eating the grass
I just found out that they made an entire movie based on my favorite Will Smith song “Men in Black.”
{Being rescued after 2 years on a deserted island}
HER:
ME:
HER:
ME:
HER: So, how did yo-
ME: I don’t know how I gained weight.
I hear all these Trump supporters saying they support him because he speaks his mind. Well you know who else speaks his mind? My 4 year old.
13: *walking into room*
Me: (on phone, talking about types of tomato plants) I like big boys. I’ve had good luck with them in the past.
13: *makes horrified face, turns, walks back out*
if ur ever losing an argument all u have to say is “yeah yeah yeah, save it for the judge” and walk away