Im on a date I want to leave how do i leave without-nevermind I said that out loud he left
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My family asked me what I wanted for Mother’s Day, so I packed their bags and changed the locks.
I switched to insurance fraud and saved $235,000
[at the sistine chapel]
me: *raising my hand at the back of the tour group* so where are chapels one through fifteen
tour guide: *angry italian noises*
[Before 9 was invented]
7: damn I’m hungry
[Phone with Mom]
“Did you just friend request me?”
I’m on fb now
“I’m not adding you”
Fine do your own laundry then
*accepts friend request*
[son’s football game]
Other dad: which one’s yours?
Me: I can’t remember. I just wait for him in the car when the games over
I may not be the hottest woman on Earth but I like my chances up against anyone currently aboard the International Space Station
Hey Dog Walkers, technically, that dog can walk on its own. What it can’t do is pick up it’s own poop. You’re just a poop collector.
Dr: Do you abuse alcohol?
Me: Only when I can’t get the lid off.
My new neighbor seems like a really nice guy. He just suggested trimming the trees that cover my bedroom window.
I got high and hid snacks from myself, this is the worst scavenger hunt ever
kitchen magnet
Important Valentine’s Day PSA:
Sure, we all think Cupid is cute, but you should never teach babies archery. If you think crying is annoying, just imagine a tantrum with flying arrows.
Be safe. If they’re under three, melee weapons only!
Him: Mmm, tell me what you like, baby
Me: I like turtles
April is alcohol awareness month…..I think we’re all aware.
Cheers!
Establish dominance by saying “I thought you’d say that” in response to everything anyone says to you.
My 3 year old isn’t talking to me because I followed him home from the park
[phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u?
ME: Well u know that jewellers where u saw that ring u wanted?
W: OMG
M: I’m in a bar not far from there
tinder girl: are you just copy and pasting your responses to other women?
me: lol you’re hilarious. i didn’t grow up in the area but love the music scene out here haha
“Hi, my daughter will be late to school because she can zip up her jacket by herself.”
Soooo, if the string breaks off…do you just make yourself sneeze so that it shoots out?
Female cashier: [stares at me]
*rings up tampons*
If two wrongs don’t make a right, I might as well try for three.
What has three thumbs and just won the lottery?
THIS GUY!
* having won the lottery, I was able to add that third thumb I’ve always wanted
Convince neighbours you’re shrinking by walking past their window with progressively larger jars of hellmann’s mayonnaise.
Lady t-rex: I’m tired tonight, take care of yourself.
Dude t-rex: 😑
[restaurant]
ME: Bottle of shiraz pls. It’s my birthday
WAITER: Your birthday? It’s on the house
ME: [looking up] Do you have a ladder or
I’m not trying to be racist but black people are darker than white people.
Coffee helps me remember….
Everybody’s name
My passwords
Sense of humour
Woods ❌
I mean wordsI never said it was easy.
Thinking about the time I told my husband, “I kinda wanna domesticate a raccoon” and he sincerely sighed and said, “I know, I worry about that”
There should be a hotline you can call where you can safely pronounce words you’ve only ever read out loud for the first time, and they say “oh sweetie” and kindly explain how it’s pronounced.