My retirement plan is to buy several red polo shirts & anytime I need anything, go steal it from Target
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“Calzone” is just an Italian word to make you feel better about eating a Hot Pocket in public.
The Tower of Babel is my favourite story. Made God so mad that he forced everybody to learn French. Imagine being so angry you invent the phrase sacré bleu.
I hate it when I mentally undressing someone and my OCD kicks in and I start folding their clothes.
“Having sex for money is bad because it is counterfeiting feelings” wow dude, I have bad news about every other customer service job ever
While a big fan overall, I always found the Chipmunks’ instrumental songs sort of pointless.
This strip mall certainly is misleading
And I probably should put my clothes back on now.
I thought I was getting myself a new couch but apparently I was getting my dog a new bed
Darth Vader: *chops of Luke’s hand* You underestimated what I’d do if you touched the thermostat!
Luke: Wait, you’re my dad?
If I were a Scooby Doo villain, I’d take the whole thing to court. How hard can it be to overturn the testimony of 4 kids who talk to a dog?
You can totally spray tan your baby, it’s not illegal.
“Sorry I’m late”
Why are there scratches all over your face?
“Jujitsu training”
You can scratch in jujitsu?
“It’s my cat’s best move”
If any of you toddler parents need some encouragement to keep pushing through those toddler years – I just slept in until 11 am on a Sunday.
“How do you feel about this combination of paint?”
“Well, mixed emulsions really”
Still waiting for the day I can illegally download groceries
computer: enter new password
me: munster
computer: password must be stronger
me: limburger
computer: stronger
me: Jake Paul
computer: stronger
me: AxeBodySpray
computer: password is too strong
Please doctor, my flabber,,, it is so ghasted,,,
People who text me, “OMG GUESS WHAT?,” vastly overestimate my level of interest in anything they have to say.
“Oh, look! She’s drinking vodka, let’s kill her!” – Spiral staircases
[going to the gym for the first time ever] Forgive me trainer for I have sinned, it has been 37 years since I’ve worked out
If by “junk in the trunk” you mean the untouched gym bag I store there, then yes, I most certainly have junk in my trunk.
Me: Two fingers here.
Son: OK.
M: One in the other hole.
S: Got it.
M: Relax your wrist.
Wife: WHAT ARE YOU TEACHING HIM?
M: Bowling. Chill.
Doctors HATE this weight loss secret! (Photo of a woodchipper)
I thought Snapchat was just a conversation with a sassy black woman.
When the hotdog gets placed in the bun, does it think it’s going canoeing
Dear whatever doesn’t kill me. I’m strong enough now. Thanks.
A triumphant is an especially successful elephant.
It’s not as serious as some of the parents in the elementary school pick-up / drop-off line seem to think
One thing I like about hiking is taking an uber to the woods and saying thanks and getting out of the car and disappearing into the trees as if I have an appointment somewhere deep in the forest
you telling me a banana nut in this bread
judge: objection sustained. will counsel please rephrase the question.
me: alright, which *specific* Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle would you make out with and why?