Sorry pregnant ladies, all of your 3D ultrasounds look like Gollum in an Ikea lampshade.
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9yo: Mom, do you know where the hairbrush is?
Me: [brushing my hair with a fork] No.
I’m single in quarantine and just found a box of googly eyes. I’m going to place them on objects around the house because I miss social anxiety.
[Describing guy who just mugged me to sketch artist]
“He was literally kermit the frog”
It’s like 10,000 goons
When all you need
Is a knight
Yup….perfect score!
Finally, somewhere I can take my Croissant Bernard.
My 2024 goal is just to make sure the aliens know I’m on their side.
so apparently if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but donate 9 kidneys and people get very upset
[inventing video games]
i wanna be lazy but with a purpose
*panics during bank robbery*
“Uhhhh hi yeah I’d like to put this gun in my safety deposit box”
[gets pulled over]
me: problem, officer?
cop: you were swerving, i want you to count backwards from 100 for me
[2hrs 36m later]
me: how was that
cop: did you really need the “bottles of beer on the wall” part before every number
[End of day 1, building Rome]
BUILDER: We’ve finished, boss
BOSS: For God’s sake, keep your voice down, we can drag this job out for weeks
I finally ordered Life Alert. I’m not old I just do a lot of stupid shit
Wonder what happens when you have a viral tweet, like your phone makes slot machine noises or what
after watching what feels like 73 Fast and Furious movies… no one fills up with petrol, do those cars run on hopes and dreams
Me: [touches wife’s arm] ⚡️ZAP⚡️
Wife: hey you shocked me!
Me: oh no! I am so sorry.
Wife: it’s ok. it’s not like you did it on purpose.
Me: [under breath] pika pika.
I’m guessing by the bathroom scale being in the trash my wife has met her new years resolution and doesn’t need it anymore
“Can we go outside and play now?”
“Soon, boy.”
“You said that ten minutes ago.”
“As soon as I finish my cof-“
“Oops.”
“You did that on purpose.”
“It slipped.”
“I’ll get my coat.”
“Excellent.”
BEAR JESUS: *Emerges from cave after 3 days*
EVERYONE ELSE: This… this is not as impressive.
Hey women, save your money, we just want you wrapped in a bow for Christmas. Wait, don’t even worry about buying the bow.
Discovered 24 long forgotten beers in the basement refrigerator so I’m about to crack a cold case.
I cannot stop thinking about how the director of Con Air’s previous directing credit was 10 years earlier and it was the music video for Rick Astley’s Never Gonna Give You Up.
[doesn’t moisturize for three nights in a row]
Welp, I guess I’m ready for Halloween now.
A: Just had to explain the difference between “mute” and “moot” to a younger co-worker.
Q: Why am I drinking out of a flask at work?
I’ll never forget what my dad said when I gave him a picture I drew and asked him to put on the refrigerator:
“You’re 22.”
“Mom, the kid in the other car is making faces at me.”
“Just ignore him, sweetie.”
I think one of the most amazing displays of democracy in history is that one thousand islands managed to come together and agree on a single dressing.
Me, first day as a prosecutor: *whispering* ᵍᵘⁱˡᵗʸ ᵖᵉᵒᵖˡᵉ ˢᵃʸ ʷʰᵃᵗ
Defendant: What?
Me: I rest my case, your Honor.
Imagine if we were like cows and horses and when we gave birth our baby would immediately stand up and start running around the hospital and the doctors would have to catch them and round them up in a baby pen
Childhood prepared me for more people tearing off masks to reveal their true identity as an old man.