I don’t think the water lizards run on the water always. I think it’s a “oh hey I forgot something” or “shit it’s the cops, run” thing.
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Him: It’s over. You’re too immature.
Me: [with 2 Pringles in my mouth pretending I’m a duck] Quack?
[Lying on a bed of expensive Vitctoria’s Secret panties]
Me: This is absolutely magnificent.
[Alarm clock sounds. Wakes up on a bed of dollar store panties]
Me: This is pretty alright I guess.
“I’M NEVER DRINKING AGAIN!”
Brain: LOL
Empty bottles: LOL
Wine shop owner: LOL
New bottle: LOL
Bottle opener: LOL
Liver: LOL
Me: LOL
6 (7:30am): Why is it so dark, isn’t it morning?
Me: Yeah buddy (explanation of the first day of winter, shortest day of the year, winter solstice)
(Later, 4:30pm)
6: Why is it so dark, is it bedtime?
Me: No, remember it’s…ummmm, yeah it’s bedtime. Are you tired!?
*queen points out window*
“what’s that flashing out the window?”
“Lightning, My Queen”
*car busts thru window*
DID I HEAR LIGHTNING McQUEEN
Bored, go into a fitting room wait a couple minutes then yell, “where’s the toilet paper”
I’m at my most storybook heroine when I water the flowers at work.
Stormy, with a chance of “wet moms” this weekend.
respond to every april fools joke by staring the person directly in the eye and saying “yes, that truly was a fool’s joke”
Me: I think my back is hurt, I can barely get out of bed.
14: Oh that’s too bad. Can you take me to get an iced coffee?
me: here’s a glass of ice, ma’am
girl: i asked for water
me: patience, Linda
What a chick magnet..
We have completed this week’s homework and can sum the whole experience up by saying that I’d have preferred to have done a week’s worth of washing instead. Twice.
Earth is indeed bipolar, but it’s not a disorder.
Canadians: Maybe they’re born with it, maybe it’s maple leaf.
cat 911: what ur emergency
my cat: my owner just closed the bathroom door
cat 911: have u tried screaming at the top of ur lungs
Writer: My biggest fear is a blank piece of paper
The Rock: I hear ya buddy
With the holidays upon us, please dont forget what they stand for. Family, friends & punching strangers at the mall because they cut in line
GF: “Can I be frank?”
Me: “Sure, but I’d be more comfortable if you were a woman.”
Is it just me, or do toasters have like 4 settings too many? They should have 1 setting that reads: “Toast”
*pours wine*
*sprinkles rose petals*
*dims lights*
*puts on Barry White*
*lights candles*
*burns incense*
*arranges scented oils*
*opens private tab in browser*
Yep. Yep. Yep. Yeppity. Yep. Yeppers. Yep.
We’ll see. I don’t know. But, for sure! Maybe.– me receiving an invitation of any kind
3yo: Do you want to play princesses with me?
Me: Of course!
3yo: Ok, I’ll be Ariel. Who do you want to be?
Me: Sleeping Beauty.
3yo: How come you always pick her?
Me:
3yo:
Me: *already asleep on the couch*
Eating food off the floor, taking pills, trying to chase away ghosts? I grew up to be Pac-Man
Emma Stone is my girlfriend. Nobody tell her, though. I want it to be a surprise.
Does anybody know what the word ‘delegate’ means? (Asking for a friend)
‘Tis the season when you think about your loved ones…
…and realize that although you love them, it’s not that “rush one-day delivery” fee kind of love. Ever.
While I was relaxing having my wine my toddler threw a piece of cheese straight at my face and said, “gotcha.”
Me: 4, watch this! *eats hard boiled egg in one bite*
4, unamused: Now do it with the shell on.
Gen X kids never wanted to come home. Modern teenagers never want to leave the house.
Gen X parents of teens are basically feral dogs raising housecats.