This afternoon a crew of men were installing Christmas lights on a house down the street. The next thing I hear is a boy yelling, “It’s not Decemberrrrrr!!”
That’s how I knew my son was home from school.
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Everyone has something they believe in.
I believe in drinking before noon.
My evil clone:[pointing to me] Shoot HIM, he’s the clone
Friend:[aims at the clone] The REAL Alex would never pass up an opportunity to die
me: “why tf does my back hurt??”
also me:
ME: this isn’t curing anything
SNAKE OIL SALESMAN: no refunds
ME: *oiling my snake* i didn’t say i don’t like it
my best friend and i made a pact that if we’re both still single when we’re 40 we will go on a horrifying nationwide crime spree
There’s literally no way to know how many chameleons are in your house
*Batman pulls up to drive-thru*
“Large fries.”
“We’re serving breakfast sir.”
*destroys speaker with batarang*
“And I’m serving justice.”
[1st date]
Him: Do you like magic?
Her: I LOVE MAGIC
Him: klatu barada nikto!
[Woman’s dead grandpa emerges from the ground]Her: *Screams*
Him: Oh, so you meant you like illusions.
If by speaking Spanish you mean speaking in English but slower and louder, then yes, I speak Spanish.
We all suspected Tide Pods were a gateway detergent. Sure, they seem innocent, but the next thing you know, you’re mainlining Lysol.
Everyone on twitter is single, pretending to be single, or about to be single
cellmate: what are you in here for
me: [snuggling] my bunk is cold
If she’s not ruining your life…..She’s just not that into you.
As a kid Popeye was my hero. I’d stare at canned spinach and longed to eat it so I could be as strong as him. One day I stole a can from my grandma and with sweet anticipation took my first bite ever only to find out it tasted like… well canned spinach. Crime doesn’t pay kids.
Your child learning to say mommy is when your life begins and ends
“Clue” is a board game about people trapped in a house and one of them is a homicidal maniac who has just killed. Ages 8 and up.
I can hear every word you’re mumbling under the duct tape and yes, I will move in with you.
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
my biggest flaw is saying “don’t worry i’m gucci” when in fact i am t.j maxx
Them: I saw someone who looks just like you!
Someone:
Instead of a sock on your door, hang a doughnut. Not only is Doughnut Disturb hilarious, you provide a snack for your now homeless roommate.
What did one fungi say to another fungi when they got married?
“I want to grow mold with you.”
Panera VP of Marketing: Our sales have gone up 41% since our lemonade killed two people.
CEO: Dang it. That means-
Panera VP of Marketing: Yes, we have to put a gun inside our buffalo chicken melt.
Cat: I am a MAJESTIC POWERFUL creature of the night
Me: I will call you Mr Fuzzypants
doing your own taxes
When she told me, “You’re best to try and get out in front of it,” I didn’t realize she was referring to a large truck…
If you get a present from me with scissors and a roll of tape trapped under the wrapping paper, I’m gonna need those back.
Dammit, stop summoning me to fight global warming! I’ll believe it when the remaining 3% of scientists believe it! -Republican Capt. Planet
Him: I think we should
Me: crack open a beer?
H: do something this afternoon
M: drink beer?
H: something outside
M: beer in the sun?
H: I was thinking more of
M: wine?
H: ….
Hit a squirrel with my car on the way home from the grocery store. If I knew that was going to happen, I wouldn’t have bought all this meat.