[harry potter at an interview]
interviewer: it says here you found & destroyed seven horcuxes
harry: that’s correct, sir
interviewer: but no experience creating a powerpoint presentation, wow
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Nobody:
Neighbors: THEYRE ASLEEP LETS SET OFF ALL THE FIREWORKS
eats a dozen doughnuts…
*checks for flabs*
(my funeral)
Spouse, crying: I’ll miss you, my love. Your with the angels now.Ghost me, whispering in his ear: *you’re
S: Oh ffs!
*walks into Forever 21*
*gets pulled aside*
Umm, we don’t really mean FOREVER.
At the beginning of a long plane ride, I like to ask my husband why he loves me. His frantic look for an escape hatch entertains me.
Using self-checkout lane so I don’t have to interact with anyone.
Scans first item.
Register: … “Please wait for assistance.”
19 is making brownies.
Puts brownies in the oven and goes up to his bedroom.Now I have to set the house on fire to teach him a lesson.
“Easy as pie” does not sound easy to me. Make it “Easy as Hot Pockets” or “Easy as eating six pickles straight out of the jar without even closing the fridge”
Women have closets full of ‘I have nothing to wear.’
Just wanted to let you all know that I have been admitted into hospital and they are keeping me in. I’ve only gone and poisoned myself, thanks to my cooking skills. What I thought was an onion for my salad turned out to be a daffodil bulb. They said I should be out early spring.
I find your Winter Solstice greetings offensive and presumptuous. Some of us don’t believe in winter.
No matter how powerless you feel, just think to yourself, one single pubic hair off of your body can shut down an entire restaurant.
JUDGE: the charge is murder, how do you plead
VIDEO: not guilty
FAMILY OF RADIO STAR: this is bullshit
Now that my whole family is in our house all the time, it’s just nothing but drive-by shushing of each other all day.
inventor of shirts: sleeves are awesome
inventor of vests: disagree
inventor of turtlenecks: there should be three of them
Imagine you know a guy named Gary, & Gary calls his car the Garymobile & insists that you do, too. What I’m saying is Batman is a douche
I told my son that the leader of the mosquitos was the bossquito and then my wife called the cops.
When my cat has an accident on the carpet, he hides to escape responsibility. It’s a, “shit and run”.
if you count cows instead of sheep to try and fall asleep it’s probably pasture bedtime (i’m so sorry)
Sorry I yelled “April Fool’s” while you were proposing to your girlfriend.
[stopped by cop]
Cop: License & registration
Me *slurring my words*
Cop: Have you been drinking sir?
Me: No, this is just who I am b4 coffee
Called in telepathically this morning, so they know I’m thinking of them.
May my enemies all have to walk several miles in wet jeans
Dance like you’re not the father
Today’s episode of Wheel of Fortune has been cancelled because Jesus took the wheel.
Good news, I don’t have the virus. Bad news, I can still taste my cooking.
I love baby boomers who say “kids don’t even know how to write cursive” in a negative way like ok grandma you can’t even turn your laptop on without getting 6 viruses and wiring half your retirement money to a Nigerian Prince
If by multitasking you mean ruining my life in more than one way at a time, then yes, I’m multitasking.
why was 6 mad when 7 won her a stuffed elephant? because 7 1 1 4 9 2
me: *gets down on one knee* will you help me make this tree house into a tree home?
girlfriend : *shouts from the ground* I can’t hear you, why can’t I just come up there?
me: no girls allowed