People who use the phrase “Correct me if I’m wrong…” clearly don’t know me very well.
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9 applied hot sauce to his cheek to cure sunburn.
*crumples up applications to Yale, UCLA, community college
(scientists naming weird spiny thing in a bush)
Scientist 1: This thing sucks
Scientist 2: Yeah!
S1: It’s hogging all the hedges!
S2: Wait.
I take great pride in the fact that I have told you “the stupidest thing you’ve ever heard” in more than one argument
Im writing a parenting book called kids won’t listen until you scream like your mother did.
“May you have a long happy life together and never be killed by blunt force trauma caused by your spouse to collect insurance money.”
– Me, giving a wedding toast I did not properly prepare to give because I spent all my preparation time watching true crime shows
Me: *gestures to the bellhop to take my bags to my room*
Vanilla Ice: Yo man, I don’t work here
M: *slips him a five*
VI: Right away sir
I don’t need armpits that smell like fruit salad or “sexy intrigue”. I exude that naturally.
The fruit salad smell. Not the sexy intrigue.
No matter how much milk I buy or when, there is always 1/8 cup left in the carton when I want some.
[restaurant]
Waiter: Chicken?
Me: No I’ll fight you RIGHT NOW
“Welcome to 9-1-1, Florida. If you’re calling about a matter related to George Zimmerman, please press 2. Otherwise, stay on the line…”
Tweet about drinking too much = 50 quick likes
Facebook about drinking too much = A phone call from my mom
My friends describe me as “I’m sorry, he’s not usually like this.”
Me: I’m going to start packing lunch to save money.
Also me: *eats entire lunch in traffic and orders takeout at noon*
Guy: [pulls out knife]
Me: But I’m allergic to stainless steel
Guy: [stabs me]
Me: Noooo I’ll get a rash
Fried chicken is unhealthy, especially for the chicken.
therapist: you need to enjoy the little things
me: like ants
therapist: not exactly
me: [nodding] baby ants
The reason Latin is a dead language is because they kept accidentally summoning demons during regular conversations
“Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?”
Well, Katy, I’m thin, weak, white, and I hurt the environment so I guess that’s a pretty apt simile
Every time a cop pulls me over I get nervous because I think they’re finally going to arrest me for those hotel towels I stole while vacationing.
At this point my intestine is just a water slide for tacos.
I don’t know if my neighbour is having sex or disciplining her dog. Either way, I’ve paused Downton Abbey to crack the case.
The ex says he’s come into some money and can finally “take care” of me. Wait…he’s gonna have me killed isn’t he?
A local man died after a shelf full of routers fell on him.
It was an unexpected LAN slide.
It’s weird how obituaries state that someone was “survived” by, say, a son and daughter, as if the deceased hadn’t quite got round to murdering them.
Them: “There’s certain things that should be left unsaid”
My brain: “VOLDEMORT”.
One minute she’s saying “put yourself in my shoes” and the next it’s all “well you’ve gone and ruined them now, you idiot”
*Hears something go bump in the night.
Me: *jumping out of bed. Who’s there?
Ghost: Oh shit, I woke the scary one.
Dr. House would’ve solved this covid shit in 20 minutes flat.
*first date*
Him: You have a very defined jawline.
Me: Thanks! I chew a lot.
Reminder to any new followers…Ancestry.com is NOT a dating site…lesson learned…like 4 times.