(at a party)
them: truth or dare.
me: dare.
them: go home.
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I told my kids to stop fighting, so now they’re playing with dolls who are fighting.
*everytime I introduce dad*
this is the man who’s not proud of me
The cashier told me to have a good New Year like my purchase of oven cleaner and frozen pizza suggests anything else.
remember if you’re not helping cook be sure to ask (in a half hearted fashion) if they need any assistance and leave the room before they answer
Me: *pssst* tell the girl wearing the white dress I think she’s hot
Priest: absolutely not
A French press is when you hug naked
“I can’t believe I own a Tesla!” I’m so sorry, is there anything I can do to help?
A big bug flew down my throat during my run this morning so [buys treadmill]
Short women who cook know the difference between cooking tongs and our special “grabbing tongs” to reach items on the top shelves.
I’ll photoshop my youngest into old pics just to make him stop crying about not being a part of the family before he was born.
Shout out to all you people out there who get asked if you’re okay a lot even though that’s the only facial expression you have.
Wifey: We should get a chest freezer.
Me: We don’t need a freezer that big.
Wifey: What if we need to hide bodies?
Me: I love you.
A “beyond burger” implies the existence of a “bed burger ” and a “bath burger”
I came home and my gf had laid out rose petals from the door, down the hall and into our bed. There were even rose petals in the shower, my sock drawer and my jacket pocket. And even in the medicine cabinet where my EpiPen usually is because I AM SEVERELY ALLERGIC TO ROSE PETALS
A dating site for olds like me called Carbon Dating.
Wife: who are all these children?
Me: *shrugs* you said pick up the kids
Wife: I meant our kids
Me: yeah, that makes more sense
my cat just woke up, accused me of a crime, and went back to sleep
BIDEN: That went well.
OBAMA: Did you have to say you loved Trump’s sons in Twilight?
BIDEN: It’s what I do.
BANK EMPLOYEE: what if we stayed open later than 5:30?
CEO: that’s the dumbest shit i’ve ever heard
OTHER BANK EMPLOYEE: how bout a sign outside that displays the temperature 24/7
CEO: first of all, promoted
[at the gym]
GUYS, stop splashing in the shower! You know I can’t get my perm wet for another few days.
He died doing what he did best, trying to get a croc to wear a Croc.
ME: where ya headed after Denver
PILOT: flying into Boulder
ME: omg *whispers* I need to warn the others
Is it rude to interrupt someone’s wedding vows and ask if it’s time for cake?
Are designated drivers only for people who drink?? Coz I’ve already dropped my keys twice just walking to my car.
Cop: “Are you driving under the influence?”
Me: “No.”
Cop: “Say the alphabet backwards.”
Me: “Tebahpla eht.”
Between the polyester and hairspray, it’s surprising more people didn’t spontaneously combust in the 80s.
How come I can get free wifi with a $3 cup of coffee but I can’t get it with a $150 hotel room?
Why do I have to use leaves as toilet paper when I go camping while we have bears out there using Charmin?
dads on road-trips be like