Take your ex out tonight (one bullet oughtta do it)
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a detective agency’s office is filled with cluebicles
[used car lot]
Customer: Do you have any mini vans?
Me: No, we sell cars…but there is a kid’s shoe store near the mall
Granola Bars, for when you’re hungry & also want to teach your mouth a lesson
“It’s ok to double dip if you eat the whole bowl of chips & salsa by yourself!”
I shout as I swat my date’s hand away
“Blind dates are fun!”
Merry Christmas to everyone except the guy who wrote the instructions on how to put this trampoline together.
“Just act natural,” I say to myself as I purchase a spade and two large bags of cement.
It’s my birthday eve, when Birthday Claus comes down the chimney and leaves me three additional wrinkles, two new mysterious body aches, and a skin tag.
I was waiting for my wife to try on clothes & spoke to this woman for almost 20 minutes until I looked up & noticed her head was missing.
Whenever people announce “I’m marrying my best friend” for a second I always think “oh shit what about your boyfriend, he seemed so nice”.
it’s sundress season and i have several dresses with pockets and and if you don’t think i’m gonna use them to carry spicy chicken nuggets and mini babybels, you are mistaken
*me, struggling to please the members of our tea club*
“Please, everyone! Why can’t we all just get oolong?!
If you hear someone yelling “we have macaroni and cheese and bread at the house,” don’t worry that’s just my dad because I just paid $10.16 for a grilled macaroni and cheese sandwich at Panera Bread.
He wasn’t with me, but I’m sure he feels a disturbance in the force.
My refrigerator is so full I have to slide the Country Crock out like I’m playing Jenga
ST BERNARD DOG: [getting ready for work] Honey have you seen my barrel?
WIFE: Which one?
SBD: The little one I wear AROUND MY NECK EVERY DAY
Some random lady took down our outside decorations because “Halloween is over,” and now I want to invite her inside because Dinner is over, and I don’t want to clean up from dinner any more than I wanted to clean up after Halloween.
My biological clock is wheezing.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
me: yes
Netflix: is that a book in your hands?
me: *gulp* no
Someone asked us to sign a petition in favor of backyard chickens and now my kids have a new idea for a pet
You know you’re getting old when you’re entering your birth year online and you need to spin that thing like you’re on wheel of fortune.
Need a math nerd to solve the following problem:
I make my son a peanut butter sandwich. Rectangle, no crust, let’s say 5” by 4”. I cut it diagonally into two TRIANGLES. However, he wants SQUARES. If he weighs 55 lbs, how much force is needed to launch him into the sun?
Can we go skydiving on our first date? I want to hear what you sound like when you think you might die.
-me, flirting
Don’t become a scientist y’all, it’s a trap.
When it works, you gotta do more experiments.
When it doesn’t work, you gotta do more experiments.
A Lunch Poem:
Some people buy theirs in local food shops,
While others eat donuts (especially cops).Some jerks heat fish that they bring in a bag,
And stink up the kitchen, making me gag.Me? I’ll check the fridge on a hunch
That Glenn from Accounting brought a good lunch.
Alfred: I’ve completed engineering on the new batmobile radar unit
Batman: That’s great and did the dishes do themselves?
Alfred: no sir
The block button is just the adult version of sticking your fingers in your ears and repeating “I can’t hear you” over and over
Oh, you don’t have sex on the first date? How about on the last date?
Husband: We’re invited to a dinner party
Me: Did Agatha Christie teach us nothing??
Trying to pass my red flags off as a mini golf course
Putting on a bra is like trying to wrestle two pigs into a potato sack.
I don’t share cheese on the first date.