Mike Tyson’s apartment building
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Instead of a pre-workout protein shake I have mashed potatoes and gravy, and instead of working out I have mashed potatoes and gravy.
[My 8yo looking for something]
OMG WHERE IS IT IT’S GONE FOREVER WHAT DID YOU DO WITH IT I’LL NEVER FIND IT WHERE COULD IT BE MY LIFE IS RUINED WHYYYYYYY—oh, here it is.
*loses my composure*
Weigh me now
if my sleeping schedule was a person
[someone kicks a dumpster out of anger]
ME (from inside): Who is it?
I finally bought a set of dumbells.
How long are you supposed to rest in between sets?
Please say 6 weeks.
[dragging knife across my cheek] you should be so lucky to find my hair in your food
Wendy’s manager: you are very fired
cute girl 1: i’m a vegetarian
cute girl 2: i’m a vegan
me (trying to impress): i’m a vegetable
Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.
Demi Lovato is my favorite singer that is half human, half Lovato
WTF IS THAT!
You hear the q-tip screaming deep in your ear canal. This means you’re doing a good job.
I was under the false impression that my kids would stop elbowing me in the bladder after they were born
I’d been waiting so long for my doc, when the assistant came out and called for Krokowski, I said right here, here I am and ran back before Krokowski knew what happened.
Be your mom’s favorite by not having to make her count to three.
My friend is looking for a single, normal, well adjusted man. I told her to avoid twitter.
drinking water in front of my plants so they remember who the breadwinner is
Me: “Your mum sucks.”
GF: “That’s not very nice.”
Me: “No, it’s wonderful.”
Real quick before I run out and get a gym membership. Anyone like me fluffy before I go to all this trouble?
It’s amazing the little things you learn about your kids as they grow everyday.
For example today I learned my 3yo is kind of a mean drunk.
It’s the weekend, baby! Time to sit in my neighbor’s tree and make bird noises
My youngest son can grow a beard even though his father can’t.
Score 1, for my facial hair producing genes.
her: why do you keep your eyes open when you kiss me?
me: bears
KID: where do babies come from
ME: [interrupts] and how do we stop that
How do I tell my kid the tooth fairy needs $15 change for the $20 she left under his pillow?
gonna open a bar called “well, actually” and any time someone utters that phrase they have to buy everyone in the place a round of well shots
Oh you think I’m funny? Name three of my jokes.
Doc this part of my evaluation where it says psychotic, can you change it to madcap?
embracing tradition. boyfriend just went to dunkin (hunter) as i sit in bed finding funny tik-toks to show him later (gatherer)