*weighs self*
“Shit”
*takes clothes off*
“GODDAMMIT”
*takes tampon out*
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SECURITY GUARD: [speaking into the cuff of his shirt] The president is on his way to the car
LITTLE MOUSE THAT LIVES IN HIS SLEEVE: Ok cool
Any TV can be a TV dinner if you eat TVs
I just walked into my room holding the remote and a glass of chocolate milk and I meant to toss the remote into my bed but instead I tossed the glass of chocolate milk onto my bed
me: what are you doing
lawyer: [opening briefcase full of ham sandwiches] judges are more sympathetic to your situation after they eat
prosecutor: [opens briefcase full of meatball subs]
lawyer: aw dude you’re going to jail
[texting]
Me: meet me at 8 sharpKid: what if I feel salient instead?
Me: just be on time
Kid: or acuminate, maybe cuspidated
Me: are you playing with the thesaurus on your phone again?
Kid: indubitably
My wife is furious that I phoned the police about some kids selling homemade lemonade in the street. Specifically “they’re not hurting anyone”, “it’s not illegal” and “they’re our kids”
If I hear a bump in the night, I’m hoping my kids investigate and annoy any potential intruder until he leaves.
Writing some Valentines, do girls prefer to be called “slick” or “chief”???
If I’m found dead in the bathtub clutching a toaster, check for Pop-Tarts before jumping to conclusions.
My tongue was actually in the Guinness Book of World Records until the damn librarian kicked me out.
[first day on the job at a mattress store]
Boss: I don’t think this is working out. You called these pillows headpuffs four times now.
Me: *sighing* I’m just trying to sell your nap trampolines.
The room goes silent as I demurely sing the first lines of “On My Own.” I take a deep breath before clutching the hand of the person standing in the next urinal.
My grasp of English, my journalism degree, and my sanity are all in question since I instructed my kids to put on “long sleeve pants” this morning
*presses wheelchair accessible button*
*rolls 5 year old in on dolly restrained like Hannibal Lector*
“We’re here for a haircut.”
Education is vital
I would organize my thoughts but I’m afraid they would form a union and demand benefits.
Falling in love with some people is like hearing the theme music from Jaws, but diving in anyway, convinced you can change the shark
Everyone’s talking about how Shia LaBeouf plagiarized Daniel Clowes, but nobody said anything when Kristen Stewart plagiarized paint drying.
Home Depot law decrees that if two dads are pushing carts down the same isle, the dad with the greater mustache has the right of way.
How and why my FUR ROOM exists
Dietician: “I can help you lose weight in 12 easy steps.”
Me: “Is there an elevator?”
which auto response should i send back to my dentist?
not sure how I feel about the depiction of albert einstein in oppenheimer. he’s not even sticking out his tongue
Me: “I need a home improvement loan.”
Banker: “What will you be using the money for?”
Me: “A divorce lawyer.”
My kid just tried to win an argument with “Because I said so” and I had to break it to him that only parents get to win by saying that.
[showering] *comes up with cure to every disease known to man
[toweling off] Ah towels are fluffy. Duhhh, what was that other thing again?
[dinner theater]
Me: babe relax it’s just a play it’s supposed to be fun
Waiter: *winks* table or booth
Abe Lincoln, reincarnated: OK WHAT THE HELL
“No way!” said the hitchhiker as both he & the driver held up an ax. “I was gonna kill you!” “No I was gonna kill YOU!” eruption of laughter
kale is so versatile, it can literally fit into any trash can
[frog-condom sales meeting]
frog 1: our numbers are down, how can we make the condom more enjoyable for our customers?
frog 2: rib it
frog 1: Andrew, you’re a goddamn genius