“i can’t go because of coronavirus”
– whiny
– boring
– weak“i’ve sworn an oath of solitude til the blight is purged from these lands”
– heroic, valiant
– they will assume you have a sword
– impossible to check if you really have a sword because of coronavirus
You Might Also Like
“Opps” is my favorite typo because it suggests the thrill of a secret counterinsurgency.
Keeping a blood capsule in my mouth for the next guy who tells me to smile.
[pearly gates]
st peter: welcome everybody-
*i run up and slam dunk an imaginary ball thru his halo and then hang on it like it’s the rim*
Guy:Hey what are you doing?
Girl:unzipping it
Guy:why?
Girl:I want to see how big it is. ..
*Unzips tent and gets inside*
Girl:nice, nice..
me: how was your camping trip
5 y/o: good
me: what’d you guys do
5 y/o: camped
*popular kid is struggling in class
*gets a tutor to help
*Kool-Aid
If history has taught us anything, I’d be surprised.
I had a crazy dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was, like, 0mg!
Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will destroy the ecological balance.
If you don’t have a dog whistle, you can use two teenage girls who have not seen each other in forever.
Fitbits are just Tamagotchi except the stupid animal ur trying to keep alive is u
Me: [touches wife’s arm] ⚡️ZAP⚡️
Wife: hey you shocked me!
Me: oh no! I am so sorry.
Wife: it’s ok. it’s not like you did it on purpose.
Me: [under breath] pika pika.
“And I want video games and new shoes and….”
Satan: Goddamnit you have the wrong number!!
For $49.95, I will name your dog, your cat, your turtle, or your baby. (The name will be “Dave”.)
My husband just left town for a work trip. I didn’t want him to miss out on anything so I made him a mixtape of the kids whining.
Visitor: When will you tell us where you keep the unicorns? 🦄
Us: As soon as visitors stop feeding squirrels and taking dangerous selfies with bison, we’ll let you know where the horses with giant spikes on their heads roam.
If you turn your head back and forth really fast you can see your ears.
assessor: sexual orientation?
me: as in if i were to have sex which way would i be facing?
Me: I’m a programmer.
Person 1: “make my website pls”
Person 2: “I have a billion dollar idea”
Person 3: “can you fix my printer?”
Person 4: “How do I create a table of contents in Microsoft Word?”
Neighbor: “Can you fix the building’s elevator?”
My son needed a last-minute Halloween costume so I wrapped him like a mummy with my CVS receipt.
You can also scan him for $2 off Advil.
Sometimes I think my dog wishes he had a middle finger.
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me: [starts testing all the smoke detectors]
Me: I’m here for Unreliable Club
Guy: The meeting was yesterday
Me: I know
Guy *under breath* holy shit this guy’s good
I’m not sure which is a gentler way to wake me up; my 2yo or walking barefoot through a pile of glass shards.
The letter C should make a “ch” sound. S and K got the rest covered. Waste of prime alphabet real estate and does nothing original without help from my man H.
Pediatrician: How much water does she drink?
Me: You mean like water water or bath water?
COP: you can’t hide from the long arm of the law
ME [under the couch]: please stop tickling me
Saw my wife watching the Food Network while I was making dinner, so I was like, “You can just watch me in the kitchen, no commercials!”
Me: I just used my debit card to buy some running shoes.
Coworker: New Balance?
Me (turning red): Fourteen dollars & 23 cents.