Your boss will respect you more if you sometimes disagree, especially if you touch their face and say “You silly goose.”
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All cats can totally do taxes, they just won’t.
🤦🏻♀️😂😂
That awkward moment when your date says she has a hair piece but later you find out she was saying herpes.
Dandelions are just like regular lions, except they wear ascots.
“seasonal depression” makes it sound like i brought it home from the farmers’ market
Me: I heard the Herpes Virus is linked to Alzheimers.
Pharmacist: True. Name please.
Me: I have no idea.
OPTICIAN: Do you wear contacts?
ME: *showing my cell phone* No, I keep them on here.
[sitting in van]
Robber 1: Ready?
Robber 2: Let’s do this!
Me: How do I…*trying to open egg container of pantyhose*…open this?
Okay, OKAY, I’ll take “I did it all for the nookie” off my résumé.
He asked if I was flexible so I sent him a pic of my stretch marks
We don’t have any popcorn, so I’m just eating butter and salt.
4yo: Mommy? Mommy? Mommy? MOMMY? MOMMY? MOMMY?
Me, a Dad: Yeah???
4: …
4: MOMMY!!!
I’m not saying I drank a lot over the holidays, but my liver just went to an AA meeting without me.
They’re playing loud country music outside the liquor store.
Like that’s going to dissuade me.
I don’t listen to my voicemails because it’s none of my business what people say to when I’m not there.
Everyone knows you don’t need a wood chipper, if you have pigs.
BANK EMPLOYEE:
*chasing me*
sir! you can’t leave with that!
ME: *running w/ a pen w/ a chain still attached*
I BROUGHT IT WITH ME FROM HOME!
Can makeup companies just admit that they’ve run out of words to market mascara? Lashblast full effect endless wonder lengthening spider scandal volumizing ultra curved stiletto black fantasy mega-colossal stiletto stapler gondola tractor zoo crime salad steamboat tick chart
Films whose titles give away the ending:
• Sole Survivor
• Drag Me To Hell
• Saving Private Ryan
• Death of a Salesman
• Bruce Willis is A Ghost
The date was going splendidly until my mom called and we argued over my curfew in front of her.
My kid: Why are you always TALKING and asking me to do stuff.
My husband: Get used to it kid.
Me to my husband: I knew you could hear me.
Be the reason someone gets out of bed in the morning, even if it is just to make sure the door is locked.
Each year more people die in bathtub accidents than plane accidents, but any idiot thinking they can fly a bathtub deserves what they get.
It’s the eye of the tiger.
It’s the spleen of a sheep.
Wash your hands like you got a club stamp you don’t want Mom to see
me: what’s wrong?
date: you said you’d prepared a four course meal
me: yeah, but you didn’t seem to enjoy the first two courses so…
date: i just didn’t realize you meant obstacle courses
sorry I can’t come to work today, my dog finally caught a bird this morning and I’m going to need the next 2-6 weeks to emotionally recover
I’ve changed a lot as a parent after 4 kids. My oldest started school knowing a lot of random academic things. My 4th will start school knowing the lyrics to Queen. We will find out which method works best in like 20 yrs or so.
Why do they even bother calling him 007, when the first thing he does is introduce himself using his REAL NAME?
I shed so much hair, I couldn’t commit a perfect murder if I tried.