Aliens? Wake me up when something important happens, like a new pasta shape
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My wife and I just renewed our vows of celibacy.
Jurassic Park, but all of the raptors are played by Jim Carrey.
The Bangles neglected to mention Manic Monday is followed by Trauma Tuesday, Wacko Wednesday, and Therapy Thursday.
*crashes through ceiling into kitchen*
Wife:You were doing karate in the attic again weren’t you
Me:*panting* No *nunchucks hit me in face*
I have the body of a 21 year old bodybuilder. Can I borrow a shovel?
I’ve watched “Aladdin” like 25 times with my kids, so I know quite a bit about politics in the Middle East.
Don’t call them paint “chips” if you don’t want me to snack on em.
I’d like to thank my exs for encouraging me to learn about cars.
Like how to cut the break lines, hoses, or discreetly slash a tire.
Don’t ever ask a burrito if you should eat it, it will always say no, because burritos are really smart.
Bought a pair of Converse shoes months ago and they haven’t said a single word to one another.
Him: Can you decide quickly?
Me, 20 minutes later: No.
Next door’s newborn has a really distinctive cry it goes “VVVVRRRROOOOOOOOMMMMMMM!”
It’s not a breastfed baby – it’s a formula one.
To the guy that stole my anti-depressants, I hope you’re happy now
“Your generation is having less kids” yeah we go to therapy to fix our relationships now
After a long day of weeding, I just sat down in the grass to drink some water. Suddenly I felt unnerving crawly sensations on my backside. Christ, I didn’t know “ants in your pants” was an actual thing!!! 🐜
My boss bought a breathalyzer for our office because everyone comes back from lunch drunk. My personal best is .16
MASSEUSE: I’m sensing a lot of stress
ME: [thinking about my car full of bees] Work
Found a cigarette butt next to the mouse trap in the garage. It’s like he stood there and thought about it.
Sometimes I really want to throw paper at people. Brick shaped Paper. Made of brick.
My brother threw a rock at my sister when we were kids. It broke a window, and he blamed her because she ducked.
“Londoners need to be more afraid”
Nah, we’re British, we only panic about a light snow or finding out we’re out of milk.
“Hey man, do you know how long that’s been sitting out?” – People who clearly don’t understand my commitment to eating
*Frantically checks the time*
OMG I THINK I’M LATE oh wait that was yesterday
If he says “you’re 1 in a million” it means he either has no knowledge of the world population or he thinks there are 7000 people like you
4-year-old: We’re playing Star Wars. I’m a Jedi and Mom is a stormtrooper.
Me: What am I?
4-year-old: In the way.
Au: gold
Fe: iron
Si: silicon
Ur: my fire
My: one desire
Blv: when i say
I: want it that way
My daughter claimed that her knife skills are better than Chef Ramsay’s. So I tossed her a potato and asked her to peel it and she said, “With a knife?”
Don’t worry Chef Ramsay, your job is safe!
Red wine has anti-inflammatory properties so if there is a god, she is a middle aged mom.
I bet dogs at parties get tired of being singled out by socially awkward humans.
Parent drinking game: Anytime a kid drops something and doesn’t pick it up you dri…
aaaaand I’m drunk.