*returns shopping cart*
“When I’m in Heaven I wonder if God will seat me to His right or His left?”
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bae: come over
me: can’t, in self isolation
bae: my parents aren’t home
me:
I suspect that the deep state is using nanotechnology to make my underwear tighter and I don’t like it.
Got fired from my job at Footlocker for trying to feed myself to the crocs.
I locked myself out of my office twice already today. I guess Mercury definitely in rubbermaid.
Irony is how Jesus is too Liberal for most of his own Fan Clubs
[Spain, 1578]
“I’m not a witch!”
But all the cats?
“My pets!”
The broom?
“For cleaning!”
The cauldron of boiling children?
“Ok I’m a witch.”
Ran into my wife at the library when we were both supposed to be “out with friends”
Teens – Slay all day
20s – Rosé all day
30s – Bidet all day
40s – Bengay all day
[gains weight] ugh clothes don’t fit
[loses weight] ugh clothes don’t fit
Me: my biggest strength is listening attentively
Interviewer: ok but I asked what you knew about the company
My children wanted to play neighbours and are very upset that I called the cops to report them for trespassing
*finds baby on doorstep*
Me: Should…should we keep it?
Wife: …Let’s sleep on it
Me: (wide-eyed) Christ Deborah that’d kill him
“We can argue all day about the rights and wrongs, Barbara, but it won’t change the fact that we’re out of toilet paper”
If people post just two more scripture quotes on Facebook, I will have officially read the entire bible.
My husband at 3 AM: What’s that noise? What’s that noise? What’s THAT noise? I can’t sleep.
My husband when I’m talking to him, in his ear, with a megaphone: What? Sorry, I didn’t hear you.
*sitting in the dark at the kitchen table waiting for my wife*
Hello Karen. Maybe you’d like to tell me who used all my essential oils
‘I just call it like I see it…’ -People giving their unsolicited opinion about their unsolicited opinions.
You look stressed, let me pour you a hot cup of pasta.
On the 5th day, god was hungover & didn’t feel up to much so he created worms, shoelaces & spaghetti, then punched out just after 1pm.
I’m at the age where my mind firmly believes I’m 29, my humor suggests I’m 12, and my body possibly died during the civil war.
Oh you love hot sauce? Cool I get heartburn from brushing my teeth
*signs your yearbook “best friends for life”
*never speaks to you again *
Me: *mouth full* When pizza’s on a bagel, you can eat pizza anytime.
Widow: I still think you could have waited until after the service.
definitely thought i’d be solving mysteries and unmasking ghosts in a van with a dog by this point in my life
I would like to confirm to the 14yo me that the best thing about being an adult is going to bed when you want.
I’ll omit the bit about it being 7:30pm.
Forget the dress guys….. What color am I?
I feel bad when a fly gets into my house. I know that little guy is starving cause I ate and left no crumbs
[fakes allergic reaction at dinner]
Me: I-I’m- [clutches chest & falls to floor] I’m gonna need you to pay for me
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“MOOSE!!!”
“Alright, who said the Canadian kid could play?!?!”