BOSS: I need you to put these coupon stickers on all the Pick Me Up boxes
EMPLOYEE: Do you care where we place those stickers?
BOSS: Yeah, *on the box*. Don’t make me repeat myself. Idiots.
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It’s 6am somewhere!
~Toddlers waking up at 4am.
Just saw a broken down food truck AKA A RESTAURANT
it’s not tv, it’s hbo. but here’s the thing, it’s also not hbo
Make her feel like she’s the only woman on earth. Because nothing makes women happier than feeling like all other women are dead.
If Fitbit hired the owl from Duolingo we’d all be so buff
He’d keep us in line
If you’re feeling butterflies in your stomach, go make yourself a sandwich. It’s called being hungry.
Texting while driving is incredibly stupid and dangerous. You’re practically begging for typos.
my ex: sometimes I forget why we ever broke up
me: when you do that sigh thing I can hear your nose hair
{first day as a dermatologist}
DOCTOR: what brings you in today?
PATIENT: psoriasis.
DOCTOR: hey if your peepers are hurting you should prolly see an optometrist, fella.
The lady helping my wife design a dining room table handed me a note reading “blink if you’re being held against your will”
Due to an unforeseen error during last night’s love making session I am forced to wear non matching socks today
{speed dating}
Me: What handbags can you afford?
The Whole Foods next to this movie theater is perfect if you want to sneak in your own snacks, but don’t want to save a lot of money.
I’m unpredictable. Like a dad on a field trip.
*getting murdered*
“When you’re done could you lay me on my back so my tummy flattens out?”
Budget: She really knows how to stretch me to the limit.
Spanx: Dude, look who you’re talking to.
My son: If you put a hotdog in a blender, does it still have the same amount of calories?
Me: NO HOT DOG SMOOTHIES
I don’t know why we traded horses for cars. Your car won’t stop in front of a river and be like, “no way dumbass, we aren’t going to make that.”
Food bloggers could post a recipe for ice and it’d still be 3 pages long.
if u told me 20yrs ago that we’d have a black prez w/ the middle name Hussein, I’d have kept playing w/ my ninja turtles cuz I was 9 in 1993
I’m trying to explain myself less often because:
*two hour explanation of why I won’t be explaining myself anymore*
And that’s why I’m gonna be explaining myself less often.
🙂🙃🥹
If you say safety in Numbers you haven’t read Numbers.
I’ve heard that there are people that can keep every room of their house clean at the same time
At my house the rooms have to take turns being clean, kind of like the kids
40% of North American teens can’t even find ISIS on a map. Talk about ignorant
The KANYE went down to the very KANYE street to buy a new KANYE for only $KANYE dollars. “KANYE?” he asked.
– Kanye West doing a Mad Lib
2019: silently mouths “I love you” to husband across the room.
2021: silently mouths “I’m sorry. Are you in a work Zoom meeting right now? Don’t forget the kids have soccer at 6. For dinner let’s do tacos. Is that your annoying coworker talking right now? He’s the worst…”
The secret to my impressive dance moves? Spider webs.
Viagra shipment stolen. Police are looking for hardened criminals