The trick to successfully backing out of a parking space is to not care what happens to you or anyone else.
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Me: Babe, out of my purse can you bring me my…
*Husband brings entire purse*
You can rain on my parade but please don’t poop in my punch bowl.
Centipede *gets down on 50 knees*
Girlfriend: OMG
Spotted the tiniest of cows perched on a fence post today.
I used to think LOL meant lots of love.
Oh! You’re Aunt died? So sorry. LOL!Took me years to rebuild friendships.
THERAPIST: are you still using euphemisms to get friends to go jogging
ME: no one ever wants to have the runs with me
Sometimes when I’m about to sneeze, I snort some glitter. Then when I finally sneeze, glitter fills the air and people think I’m a wizard.
Aries: You pissed off the moon. You’re on your own.
Doctor: “You have a hip injury.”
Me: “I am very trendy.”
On June 28, 2009 Stephen Hawking threw a party for time-travelers. He announced the party the day after it happened and he said no one came.
my mom always told me not to wear long skirts because they make me look short. ok lady, first of all i am genetically yours and homegrown in your womb. i only turned out to be 5’2”. this is not the skirt’s fault
“Congratulations on the baby! Childbirth is so beautiful!” – Someone who has clearly never witnessed the birth of a child.
A guy on Intervention is named Bryceton, I thought the intervention was for the parents having more kids
Before I had kids I was going to be an awesome mom.
Why do people knock on a locked public restroom door? And what is the person inside to say? “who is it?”
My 4yo is asserting dominance by calling me by my full name. I don’t like where this is going
babe can i sit under your desk and distract you with my mouth while you work? *starts chewing electrical cords*
People with no volume control stress me out.
I’m sorry I can’t pay attention to you because I’m literally watching everyone else pay attention to you for this personal conversation. I feel like maybe they should just chime in since they’re probably invested now.
Forever Alone Barbie: Comes with 20 cats, and a Twitter account. Alcoholism and debilitating depression not included.
WIFE: I’m leaving you because of your constant mansplaining. I can’t believe you didn’t see the writing on the wall.
ME: That’s called graffiti, Sharon.
The new $100 bills are insane. A purple stripe, the hologram thingy, the Ben Franklin that says “kill, kill, kill” as his eyes swirl…
I’ve been nominated Vice President of the PTA.
It’s only a matter of time before my political sex scandal.
Pleasantly surprised to discover the treadmill I bought came with a remote control so I can run it from my recliner.
In France they call Mr. Bean Monsieur Legume
*having an ultrasound*
dr: baby is looking healt…hang on..
patient: omg what!?
dr: there appears to be an intruder in your womb.
patient: intruder?
dr: *yelling at stomach* TURN AROUND HE’S BEHIND YOU
nurse: umm i think she is having twins?
dr: *exhaling* oh thank god.
I’m not sure what a Doja Cat is but sadly I’ve learned it’s not a place for your cats to practice their karate moves
My cousin told everyone he could do a backflip. We all gathered around him. He said, “I can’t do it if you’re watching.” #MyFamilyIsWeird
Boss: We’re going to replace you with a robot
Me: lol good luck getting a robot to match my performance
Boss: It’s broken and does nothing
Me: shit
I want to buy a Prius because I plan on driving off of a cliff & I don’t want to make too big of an explosion & kill squirrels or turtles
Dracula: you will become a creature of the night. Not alive, but not dead. You will thirst for blood and haunt the land for eternity
Me: but I can play video games all the time, forever?
Dracula: in theory…yes
Me: ok let’s do this