can someone please show me the sexy way to get in and out of a booth at a restaurant
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A boy made a bet with my daughter that whoever gets a lower score on their final exam has to buy the other one ice cream, and I have to give the kid credit because it looks like this “bet” may really be a “date.”
Your Ex is like spilt milk. If you put newspaper over them its like the mistake never happened.
[on the way home]
Me: I have some tea to share with you
13, looking super confused: can, can I have it?
Me: no, tea as in like gossip
13: what, what brand is that?
Cops in movies keeping guard outside hospital rooms have a 0% success rate.
My favorite part of going on vacation is cleaning the entire house first so that my best friend that’s watching my cats doesn’t see how much of a slob she already knows I am.
men’s fashion peaked in 1838
Parenting is groaning when you have to watch the same movie for the 300th time, but also mad when the kid interrupts the movie because you’re actually watching it
New neighbor came over and said “I’m required by state law to introduce myself.” Odd pickup line, but guess who has a date tonight, guys!
an impostor shall come to you
he shall speak pleasing words and promise you the world
but in his name you shall know him a fraud
(Standing naked in front of the mirrors, trying to figure out which one makes me look thinner)
Home Depot Manager: “If you don’t leave now, I’m calling the police.”
Never tell a woman you’re infatuated with her. All she’ll hear is “fat”.
It’s hard to stay mad at Kanye when you remember he once threatened to move to Oklahoma and live at his aunt’s house
Pro tip : If you get a dog,
name him “Five Miles”Then you can brag that you
walk Five Miles every day.
Goldilocks: [on Xanax] you know what? these are all fine
I don’t get the objection to gays adopting.
Simba was adopted by two guys & I think everybody would agree he turned out to be quite badass.
How are the neighbors supposed to free load off your WiFi if the signal barely makes it to the living room.
Coworker: Do you ever think about work at home?
Me: I don’t even think about work at work.
I just called one ex a calculator and another a potential murder victim so if you’re looking for metaphors, I’m probably the grapefruit.
How weird was the first robber to wear pantyhose on his face
Got a little bit lost in the woods. I’m putting everything into the clothes hamper in case of tics.
Heck, I’m going into the hamper too.
Of all the things I’m not allowed to use, I guess it’s the chainsaw that hurts the most.
Coworker: sorry to bother you
Me: you should be
Me: One last time for old times’ sake?
Broken washer: No.
I’ve noticed that my parents talk about ‘the good old days’, they always seem to stop at 1979. Which is great, because that’s also the year I was born,wait… What?
The downside of having moles on my body is that my wife loves playing Whack-a-Mole.
Apple will start making Macs in America. In related news, Macs will now cost 3 billion dollars. #SOTU
My 3 year old had a tantrum earlier and afterwards he apologized for yelling at me. When I started to hug him, he said ‘if you just did what I wanted I wouldn’t get mad.’
Same, kid. Same.
“At least Donald Trump says what he thinks.”
Ah yes if only all racists would shout about it constantly the world would be a better place.
wife: look our baby can stand up
baby: what’s the deal with airplane food
My kid put her little stethoscope to my stomach and told me I was “full of bees,” and now I’m stressed because I’m pretty confident my insurance won’t cover this.