I say “Hey man, I got your back.” He thanks me until he collapses from being spineless. I give his back to an infant. “Baby got back.” I say
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Golf is a great way to learn all of the new curse words your subconscious has been cooking up in the lab.
In the movies, when the bad guy takes someone out to forest at gunpoint and tells them to dig, WHY do all the victims-to-be dig?
I say let ‘em shoot you, and they can dig the damn hole themselves.
Ugh having a body is so uncomfortable
Me:
Mime:
Me: You don’t say!
Me: *wakes up to pee at 4:30*
My brain: Oh good, you’re awake!
Top Four Signs of Job Security:
4. Promotions and raises
3. Specialized skills
2. Top producer
1. Compromising photos of the boss
We really need to stop with the cute names for devastating storms. Winter Storm Voldemort would be taken much more seriously.
America: You drive for four hours. You are still in the same part of the country.
UK: You drive for two hours. The local accent has changed twice. Bread rolls have a new name.
him, texting from the party: where did you go???
me, already home in bed: bathroom brb
If someone says “long story short” two or more times in a conversation, punching them in the throat is acceptable.
riding my roomba around the house dropping crumbs and tiny pieces of shit in front of it in the direction i wanna go
Her: For once I’d like a man to just sweep me off my feet.
Me: *slowly ties Karate Kid headband around forehead*
My bank statement is just a visual record of bad decisions.
I like a baked potato because the name is the instructions.
Wife really liked the “sex anytime, anywhere” coupon I gave her. Probably should have specified “with me”
[In car, headed to store]
7: What’s wrong, Mommy?
Me: *scratching* When I got my hair cut earlier, some little pieces fell down my back, in my shirt, and they’re itching me now.
[20 minutes later, in crowded Target]
Me: *scratches*
7: MOMMY, IS YOUR BACK HAIR ITCHING AGAIN?
People always say I make things sound sexual but I try not to pry them open and force my thick throbbing opinion down inside them.
I refuse to allow anyone to drive me crazy. My GPS says it’s within walking distance.
4yo: let me smell your eyelashes!
Me:…ok
4yo:smells like spiders. What if they eat your face?
Me: this is how nightmares are born.
LEATHERFACE: Hruaghaww! *revs chainsaw*
VICTIM: Oh my god! It’s Leatherface!
LEATHERFACE: Wait! Wait. Is that what people are calling me? Do they think this is my face? It’s a mask! And it’s not even leather. It’s made of a face. They should call me “Facemask.”
Me: All these people posting wacky things they did in lockdown. I WAS TOO BUSY.
Also Me: *remembering the household playing ‘Hide the Onion’, where one person hides an onion & if you find the onion, you declare the onion found & re-hide the onion. This went on for 2 months*
Most genies won’t tell you in advance, but sour cream is a separate wish from nachos.
Adding the word “farmhouse” to a table or piece of furniture allows you to charge $1000 for it.
Ankles by my ears? What is this? Cirque du Soleil??
Cathy on FB is “feeling annoyed” and is asking why people even own cell phones if they’re not gonna answer.
Can I tell her? Pleeease.
Me to a friend: *complains for ten straight minutes without taking in a breath* but I really can’t complain
Girl i dated had an outside cat who really liked me & one day when i went out for a smoke there was a bird heart placed on the wall where i usually sat. Cat was scoping me to see if i liked my gift so i did that move where you pretend to eat it so she didnt think i was ungrateful
Look lady, you’ll find out why I brought a bib to our date as soon as the food gets here.
Currently the sexiest person in this empty field.
Sadly, my universal remote control does not control the universe, not even remotely.