Who called it heckling a cow and not roast beef?
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I texted my husband about all the sex I’m expecting for my birthday and accidentally sent it to my MIL. She just responded that she’s already made other plans that day.
If you eat a king crab you are automatically in succession for the crustacean throne.
I have a three year old, a one year old, and a dog, and when I discover that someone chewed up my magazine and peed on the rug the dog is never my primary suspect.
Springtime ants in the kitchen. Go get mother her killing flip flop.
“honey why is our water bill so high?”
*water bill sits there holding a bong*
hahahah duuuude i don’t know man. DORITOS. DO WE HAVE DORITOS?
[first date]
HER: Scars are beautiful. Each one tells a story of personal growth and triumph over adversity.
ME: I got this one fighting a porpoise.
*abruptly stops sword fighting my pet raccoon* Oh the intervention is for me??
Mike Trout turns 26 today. If he keeps up this pace, he’ll be 30 in four years
[presents children to cashier]
I’d like to return these faulty condoms lol
Dads on here: my kid is such an amazing person. I love them. Moms on here: let me tell you what this little shit stain did today.
Nothing says you’re a parent like being jealous of a tree because it’s all alone.
me: what kind of plane do you fly?
pilot: private.
me: it’s ok i won’t tell anyone.
Well my ex canceled the Spotify premium I was using which unfortunately means I am revoking her Dads access to my Disney +. Good guy. Hate to see him caught in the crossfire
Hey dude that invented the unicycle…
Where were you wanting to go ?
then not go,
then go,
then not go,
then get bored and juggle
[Tattoo Parlor]
Me: Hi, I’d like to get a tattoo on my calf.
Calf: *nervous mooing*
Me: *pssst* tell the girl wearing the white dress I think she’s hot
Priest: absolutely not
I tried meowing back to the cat to show him I was making an effort, but he just switched to English.
[recovering from food poisoning]
Me: Finally feeling better
Leftovers in the fridge: You up?
Nigella has gone too far this time.
I have a head cold but I’m telling everyone it’s covid so they’ll social distance away from me.
When I die, I hope I have enough time to point at a complete stranger and whisper “you did this.”
[police car behind me]
Me: shit, was that a red light back there?
My dog: like a grey
Me: …
My dog: like a light grey. If that helps
I stopped my pig from eating a penny.
I don’t know why.
I was so close to having a real live piggy bank.
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, we’re still well below my average.
Me: *enters Manager’s office wearing a pheasant face mask*
Manager: *sighs* “You know full well what I meant when I said that you needed your game face on for the meeting today”
I fell down the stairs earlier but thank god my dogs were there to wag their tails and step on me
If I were a professional soccer player, I would simply pick up the ball. My opponents’ kicks would be useless as I held the ball high above my head. They would beg me to release it but I would not relent. Then, just as time expires, I would throw it into the net, sealing victory.
Eggs benadryl my favourite
Computer: Password can’t be any previously used password
Me: (Uses old password and adds an exclamation point at the end)
*Texts*
Can I come over bae?
I need you. <3*Gets reply text*
DUDE, STOP CALLING ME THAT. I’M YOUR DEALER NOT YOUR BAE. BRING CA$H!