The real reason Batman only comes out at night is because he’d get disastrous tanlines wearing that mask during the day.
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I need to stay vigilant while venturing into the ocean this week.
Sharks be looking at me like “I can get three meals out of him.”
7: Mom! Will you play Uno with me?? I already have it set up and I definitely didn’t look at the cards before!
Me: Well I’m convinced.
My daughter will not be fully comfortable until she finds a spot to sit on the living room floor that perfectly blocks her sister’s view of the television.
The Sun’s probably Asian.
me: do you want to feel my face, i’m very handsome
blind date: you do know i’m not actually blind, right?
me: *stuffing ryan gosling bust back into my bag* yes of course
Me: If we weren’t related, I’d totally sleep with you. Hot girl: But we aren’t related. Me: Oh good, so you feel the same way too
From the looks of your eyebrows, your shock collar must have malfunctioned.
Kill someone with an icecream cone and eat it afterward. They can’t convict with no murder weapon. It’s the perfect crime. Plus, ice cream.
Dr: Check his vital signs.
Nurse: He’s got 4G coverage & his battery’s at 60%
Kids movies really made me believe that the greatest threats on earth were dogcatchers and quicksand
Turns out, people will turn around and walk the other way if you hiss like a cat when they approach you.
I used to worry I was too sexy to be taken seriously. Life has proven me wrong, but not in the way I’d hoped
My phone just told me my network was unstable.
Same, girl. Same.
My salad is dry.
That’s a problem that needs a dressing.
Drug dealers are always late. If your drug dealer is on time, it’s the police.
As a precautionary measure, the last time my mom asked me to help with her phone, I made sure to delete the Twitter app.
wife: don’t eat that, u know it won’t agree with u
me: yes it will
taco: no I won’t
My son will never know the thrill of illegally downloading Thong Song on napster and waiting 1h39m for it to download
Good point.
Pulled off my t-shirt too fast and made my glasses disappear. I’m now available for bookings.
[boss’s office]
BOSS: Do you like my fire place?
ME: Actually, it’s one word: “fireplace”
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: Oh, I get it now
If I died today, my boss would just hold a seance to add my ghost to some nonsense Teams call
“Hey, will you join us in our street protest?”
No thanks
“Why not?”
I actually love streets
People who don’t like pickles are so important because they give me their pickles
Took me some serious legal wrangling during full quarantine, but the nursing home eventually allowed my 86 year old mother to hitchhike to my state once a week to change my bedsheets. LOVE WINS.
While it’s impossible to pick a favorite child, it’s easy to identify the one who isn’t your favorite at the moment.
Before gunpowder, entire wars were fought with nothing but pinecones and latent rage.
waiting for halloween be like:
I hope I never meet a genie offering one wish as picking between unlimited doughnuts or going to Sesame Street is gonna be impossible
Tried arranging dinner out but AC changed eat to war so I arrived to find the whole family laying siege to this Taco Bell.