“Can you delete that photo of me? It looks EXACTLY the way I look in real life.”
-People
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mike tyson is short for michael thankyouson (i’m so sorry)
I know Chernobyl like the hand on my back.
They say treat others how you would like to be treated.
Now I have to go out on a date with a guy and treat him like a princess.
I’d love to put a timer on how long it takes you to turn the conversation back to you but my stopwatch app doesn’t do tenths of a second.
You can’t break me, kid. My generation survived dial-up AOL and texting on a flip phone.
[edison inventing lightbulb]
[match appears over his head]
I have an idea
<thud>
*shoe lands on sidewalk
*picks up shoe
*sees it’s my size
*looks up
*sees man stuck in tree
*sits
*waits for the other shoe to drop
Can’t leave this facebook group because someone has raccoons living under their bathtub and now I’m invested in how it plays out
I remember when the History Channel actually played MUSIC!
Not saying my inability to remember popular figures of speech killed my journalism career, but it was probably the last snail in the coffee.
Romeo: Juliet is the sun. Arise, fair sun, and kill the envious moon, who is already sick and pale with grief that thou, her maid, art far more fair than she.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: No.
The neighbors set off fireworks at 2:45 AM so I decided to leaf blow the entire street in front of their house at 6:00 AM.
Yet another unrealistic beauty standard smh
She was rare…
… like pants ordered online during lockdown, that actually fit.
I see you keep your wallet and cell phone in your bra
Cute
*reaches into bra, pulls out an entire wheel of cheese*
All Amazon reviews are like
⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️: best product ever!
⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️: so amazing must buy
⭐️: DONT TRUST THE REVIEWS!! THIS PRODUCT KILLED MY FAMILY
You’re 15 and miss the 90’s? Yeah, I’m sure those were the best 2 years of your life. Shitting in your pants and eating dirt.
When your baby cries, don’t feed it. That’s just what it expects you to do. You have to outsmart it.
Lost about 3 pounds in the last 10 mins
(shaved my back and shoulders)
If a tiger goes to bite you, confuse him by french kissing him.
You’ll probably still die, but at least you got to make out w/ a tiger.
screaming into balloons for an extra surprise when the kids pop them
Please be gentle with me I used to be a baby
Sometimes words are just not enough
And for such occasions, I have this flamethrower
[on the couch having tea]
Me: this is nice.
Anxiety: SUSPICIOUSLY NICE.
99% of my socks are single. You don’t see them crying about it.
Psychology majors be like damn I can’t even be mad at you bc I know why you reacted the way you did
I’ve hired a circus clown for my funeral.
Not for any of that celebrate my life bullshit, just to sit silently at the back to freak my family out.
i thought crypto and bitcoin were x-men characters
Thoughts and prayers for my son who thought it would be funny to tell me “I’ll get to it when I get to it, woman”
Ratio should be pronounced like Daddio, which sounds like a really cool Rat.