For as long as that song was, you’d think the Ghost Busters would have mentioned their phone number at least once…
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Not to brag but my boss gave me a certificate of achievement and he said it’s much more prestigious than a pay raise.
Me: ‘I love you so much, I’ll see you later beautiful’
Girlfriend: ‘I love you too’
Me: *Looks up from patting dog*
‘Yeah see you later’
No I don’t have Tourette’s. I just stubbed my toe
Me: I’m going to poop
Dog: Great I’m coming with you
funeral catering business:
your loss, our gain
Damn girl, are you a desk? Cause I’m not exactly sure how to pick you up
GF: just FYI, my dad teaches at the Naval Academy
[meeting her parents]
ME: [lifting up shirt] does my belly button look weird to you?
The guy at DQ gave me an extra chicken strip so I guess it will be a June wedding
Many many moons ago:
Teacher: Well 75% of you passed math exams and will not have to go to summer school this year
Me from the back: “YEAH BUT WHAT ABOUT THE OTHER 45% OF US”
I always make sure the garage door is shut. Wouldn’t want hoodlums stealing the stuff I’ve been meaning to get rid of for years; hell, decades
Anyone else always bring about 3x as many knickers as they need when they’re going away somewhere like oh just incase I piss myself every single day of this trip
2 things lotion won’t let you do when it’s on your hands because it’s evil:
1) escape the bathroom
2) open a beer
I would have finished law school earlier if I didn’t giggle every time someone said “penal”
[waking up in an amniotic pod realizing I am a human battery powering the Machines]:
lol this is so Capricorn.
Joseph: *putting his arm around Mary* may I be the first to ever say to you ‘Merry Christmas’
Mary: *shrugging his arm off* we’re Jewish Joseph
It is a truth universally acknowledged that if two people are at Home Depot one of them is pissed about it.
Mugger: *holding knife* give me your money
Me: please, I have a family
Mugger: gimme the money and I won’t hurt you
Me: but I have a family
Mugger: do y- do you want me to stab you?
Me: more than anything
A book doesn’t get jealous when you finish it and start another book.
If you think flossing before a dentist appointment is bad, just wait until your first colonoscopy.
The problem with the exclamation point & question mark being side by side on a keyboard:
I’m so sorry your grandma died?
I love you?
It has come to my attention that some of you are eating the bottom half of cupcakes. That is the peel, people. Know your fruit.
Let’s have a race. You try to get an appointment with a licensed mental health professional and I’ll try to get a gun. Ready? I’m done.
If one more teenager calls me ‘mam,’ I’m gonna
…probably let them carry my groceries because I’m old and life’s hard.
Sesame Street didn’t prepare me for any of this bullshit.
I spent tonight convincing my toddler that naps are different than sleep so even if she won’t go to sleep she can at least nap, what I’m saying is, don’t mess with moms, we got game
My parents decided to test their marriage by going to IKEA today
I took one of those DNA tests and found out I am 30% mashed potatoes.
Girl next to me had her bag on the seat, didn’t move it when I politely asked her to so I’ve sat on it…
Stopped wearing my dentures to the grocery store. I figure the odds are pretty low that Scarlett Johansson and I will be reaching for the same box of Cheez-Its.
Taught a parrot to repeatedly say “WHERE ARE YOUR GLOVES?” and now I don’t have to talk to my kids until Spring so that’s pretty cool.