Me:*pulls out salad for lunch
Coworker: *pulls out 6 boxes of girl scout cookies & nods at me
Me: *tosses salad in fridge
CW: Let’s do this.
You Might Also Like
Every Field Has It’s Hero’s:
Music: Jimi Hendrix
Science: Albert Einstein
Business: Michael Scott
“All I want is one nice photo”
My kids:
Ever feel like you have one foot in a canoe and the other on a banana peel?
me: i dont want any kids
person: *low chuckle* oh, you’ll change your mind.
me: *grabs them by collar* tell me more about the future, wizard
What Kermit (the frog) is called in different countries:
10. Kermit (Denmark)
9. Kermit (France)
8. Kermit (Japan)
7. Kermit (Slovakia)
6. Kermit (Italy)
5. Kermit (Canada)
4. Kermit (Iceland)
3. Kermit (the Netherlands)
2. Kermit (Poland)
1. Gustavo (Spain)
Nextdoor is Twitter for old people. 🧐
Dear law students: my opposing counsel just asked her witness how old she was when she turned 18. You’ll be fine.
my kid learned what money was today at 9 am and by noon he was ready to stab me over 27 cents
I just laid on my cat’s keyboard while he was working on a last minute PowerPoint presentation.
“What’s wrong with our country?”
OBAMA!
“Who are we going to reelect in 2012?”
OBAMA!
I just asked my German friend if he has a lucky number and now I can’t figure out if he does or not.
billionaire: we’re all in this together
everyone: you lost money too?
billionaire: haha no i am somehow richer
make your life more efficient by cutting out the middle man. quit your job. kill your friends. throw your food directly into the toilet.
Four polite Canadians arrive at a four way stop sign simultaneously.
…The end.
Therapist: would you say you’re making time for self-care as a stay at home mom?
Me: yesterday I didn’t realize my pants were on inside out until lunchtime.
the Craigslist guy who sold me a bookshelf today showed me all the staples in his stomach from the surgery he just had. But that’s on me for forgetting to ask him to specifically not do that.
Hear me out. A new princess that repels mosquitoes…Citronella.
Walt Disney:
Omg, you guys, the Jehovah’s Witnesses just showed up at my door, and I guess I’ve been living alone for too long because I talked so much they finally had to excuse themselves.
[aliens observing earth]
ALIEN 1: Did all of their clocks just move ahead an hour?
ALIEN 2: Looks like it, yeah
ALIEN 1: Bunch of idiots
“Get over yourself.”
*Me teaching clones how to play leapfrog
I let an AT&T Customer Service Representative call me Brenda for a half hour because I was too embarrassed to correct him
I get it, mayonnaise. I am also disgusting yet liked by many.
Going to change my wifi network name to…
Someone Please Help Me
And give this neighborhood something to talk about.
Shank you.
– a prison flick…or a grateful Sean Connery
Me: I’m just saying it’s nice that you feed all these stray cats
Cat Lady: Once again, I’m not going to bring you french fries
Me: Even if I-
Her: The costume doesn’t make you a cat
Me: *purrs*
Her: Still no
Me: *being patted down* I can explain
Cop: *holding several ziplock bags filled with cheeto dust I had down my pants* this isn’t illegal but I’m listening
My almost 2 y/o can now open our pantry door and that MF’er won’t stop bringing me cans of soup.
I just feel like you shouldn’t be using a selfie stick unless you’re a T-Rex.
I wanted a 6 pack, so I started Hip Hop abs.
Quit 1/3 of the way through.
Ended up with a 2Pac.
I used to workout to get laid. Now its to impress whoever will be performing my autopsy.