(asking for a raise at work) please, my landlord needs this
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Grampa always said, “when you leave the house make sure you’re wearing clean underwear…. otherwise the raccoons will attack your anus”.
Grampa lived a weird life.
*Does something bad*
Mom: *tells the entire family, tweets, posts on Facebook, blogs, tells people in china*
Teen just came out of the dressing room wearing the ugliest top I’ve ever seen so I said ew no to which she answered mom this is literally my shirt that I’ve been wearing all day.
Realizing im one of those people who peaked in high school because that was the last time an authority figure accused me of being a witch
People who are allergic to peanuts: I can’t, it’ll kill me
People who are allergic to gluten: I can’t, it’ll wreck my body
People who are lactose intolerant: Humans cannot achieve immortality anyway and life not lived to the fullest is no life at all, hand me a gallon of milk
Bad luck, Atheists named Christian.
Genie: I will grant you one wish
Me: I wish to be healthy and fit in both body and mind
Genie: I said a wish, not a miracle
Them: what part of your morning routine takes the longest ?
Me: finding the will to get up
Sorry I pretended I was drowning so you could see how incredible my hair looked underwater.
“Try it, it’s so good!”
“Come on, man. Just a taste.”
“I’m having some. Mmmm.”
“Trust me.”Feeding my 2yo makes me feel like a drug dealer.
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
Feeling a little guilty about looking for a new laptop on my laptop.
Is your girlfriend wife material? I’m building a giant wife.
I was having sex with this woman for 10 minutes before I realized it was a man, and then for like 20 minutes after.
If you’re wondering what all these scratches on my chest are from, it’s because my cat hates to get in the hot tub with me.
[first day as a pharmacist]
Customer: do you have any cold medicine?
Me: *looks around* I think they’re all room temperature
If you’ve ever planned anything with more than five people, then you know no conspiracy could possibly be real.
Whoever named the ring tone was phoning it in.
If someone gives you sad eyes, give them sadder eyes. You must win this.
What idiot called it the “number of Police Officers in the Precinct” and not the “Copulation”
Saying you’re single
• sobering
• gets you sad looks at parties
• invites relatives to murmur ‘you’ll find someone‘ for everSaying ‘I stand alone‘
• mysterious
• confident
• puts you on the same level as Théoden King
A ghost appears in the room. It wants to tell me something, but won’t speak. It throws up it’s hands, as if trapped in another world.
Yeah, great. Just my luck I get haunted by a phantomime.
Hour 43 no smoking:
-No one is dead.
-Colors are more vivid.
-Country music makes sense.
-I’d suck a fart if it contained nicotine.
In every successful relationship the MAN always has the last word – “Yes Dear.”
For a petite woman my wife snores like a downshifting Mack truck.
adulthood is definitely the worst hood I have ever been to
the lights on this hospital in my hometown have gone out in a majorly unfortunate way :/
Sorry I use grammar, punctuation and complete sentences. I was raised in a wealthy home where we wasted characters without a second thought.
Part of me says I can’t keep drinking like this. The other part of me says, don’t listen to her, she’s drunk
me: wheres the 13th floor?
builder: we skip it in all our buildings
me: what why
builder:
me:
builder: *embarrassed* too spooky