normalize slapping the phone out someone’s hand when they use speakerphone in public.
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*tries to impress date by eating spaghetti with a straw*
Tell the dude at Starbucks your name is Poison Coffee, and when he calls your name, fall out of your chair onto the floor.
This took me a few seconds.. 😅
me: ah finally a night when i can go to sleep early and rest up
my upstairs neighbor: it is time to learn how to play the upright bass
I can hear every word you’re mumbling under the duct tape and yes, I will move in with you.
There’s no sticker warning me not to eat this box of nails so I guess I’ll just go for it.
Guy on Tinder: I speak 12 languages
Me:
Guy on Tinder: I made my niece a yacht out of chewing gum, balsa wood, and macaroni
Me: *plays the kazoo perfectly with my left nostril
I’d love this before and after shot…lol
Pregnancies really fly by when they are someone else’s
No matter how much milk I buy or when, there is always 1/8 cup left in the carton when I want some.
Me: Would you like to go out for coffee sometime?
Her: I’d love that!
Me: Great, we need milk and eggs too. See you after while
me: no shoes in the house
murderer: sorry
[yelling over club noise] I said I want to tell you about my cult
Me: You didn’t specify whether you meant “parallel” according to the rules of Euclidean geometry or hyperbolic geometry.
Driving instructor: My bad. Now see if you can back out of this person’s living room.
Baby let’s play doctor. I’ll go first. You owe me $3200.
I always go swimming with a spoon in case I need to defend myself from a jellyfish.
Took away all my son’s electronic privileges, and now he’s so bored he’s given me 35 hugs.
May take them away tomorrow too.
The Cranberries. Great band name. You pick a fruit and you get to work.
My walk of shame is walking past the people I just said goodbye to because I went in the wrong direction and had to go back.
The performance I give pretending to have never tried trail mix to get an extra sample at Costco is Oscar-worthy
I hope Justin Bieber’s on the next season of “16 and Pregnant”
In today’s modern work world employees, even those working remotely, can call in and key in their hours over the phone. It’s a big change from prehistoric times when Fred Flintstone would clock in and out in person with a physical punch card made of stone.
Every morning I have to check my shoes for scorpions. We don’t have scorpions in Illinois people just hate me.
Who called it a vasectomy and not a cull de sack?
Interviewer: Do you have any special skills?
[Me, attempting to remove stapled sheets of paper with a sword]: no
Me: digging up to the surface for a bit
Worm Wife: why
Me: idk because I can sense that it’s raining?? How does this not interest you
Worm Wife: you’ll shrivel up you know…
Me: You’re crazy, it’s so wet out there 😂
Me: think I’m gonna crawl across the entire driveway 😳
Whenever I start to feel old, I just remind myself I’m still young enough to play a teenager on Beverly Hills 90210.
[on plane]
Me: It’s ok, more ppl are killed by hippos than by plane crashes
Pilot: This is your captain speaking, I’m a hippo btw
Me: Nooooo
me: “i taught the dog to bark when someone lies”
wife: “i dont care about that, do you like my haircut?”
me: [slowly covers the dog’s ears]
Me: Leonard Nimoy died today.
Co-worker: From Star Wars?*goes home*
Wife: How was your day?
Me: Leonard Nimoy and a co-worker died today.