Me: Can I get you a drink?
Her: I don’t know. Can you?
Me: *checking wallet* No.
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Great news! I found the lid to my favorite Tupperware bowl – the one I threw out last week because the lid was missing.
Europe. Made in Germany.
Crush: what are u doing
Me: laying in bed listening to music
Crush: nice what kind
Me: it’s memory foam
Crush: no like who’s your favorite artist
Me: Picasso
me: i wonder what geese do at night
goose: [in a surveillance van] dammit we’re running out of time
My daughter made such a cute little doll of me. It even has my real hair. She has it surrounded by some candles, and she’s giving it acupuncture to help the sharp pain in my side go away.
uber driver heard me singing along and changed the station…
You know it’s time to quit smoking when you laugh at a tweet and you sound like Muttley.
My husband was unable to find his coat earlier as he’d accidentally hung it up.
I brought a glue gun to a knife fight. Those knives aren’t going anywhere.
I wear flip-flops because I hate sneaking up on people.
WIFE: Don’t go into the ball pit with the kids. You always lose your keys.
ME: *already in the ball pit* You’re not going to believe this.
I finally found my wife’s hiding spot for the Girl Scout cookies. Turns out they were in the cabinet like she showed me right after we bought them
Was going to rob a bank today, but the pen was chained to the desk.
I was eating BBQ ribs and my waitress asked me if I wanted a wet nap…
…I told her it wasn’t necessary because I had one earlier today.
I told my 2.5yo we were looking for a house with three bedrooms, a room for him, his sister, and us.
Him: I want five bedrooms.
Me: why? So we can have more kids?
Him: No. More parents.
Me: the doctor says my cholesterol is high
Wife: how high
My cholesterol: Dave’s not here man
I grew up living paycheck to paycheck , but through hard work and perseverance i now live direct deposit to direct deposit.
Learn cursive, they said. You’ll need it your whole life, they said.
I think it’d be neat if mermaids had a clam flip phone
The term is sous chef not Sioux chef. It’s a role in the kitchen not the leader of a proud indigenous tribe.
i am:
⚪️ a man
⚪️ a woman
🔘 at a family get togetherlooking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a way out
Me: *covers foot with blanket*
Monster 1: *about to grab my foot anyway*
Monster 2: *quickly pulling him back* NO. we have to respect the blanket Franklin
[giving mother in law my famous salad dressing recipe over the phone] 1 part vinegar, then *bites lip so I don’t laugh* 2 parts baking soda
Starbucks, where 11 members of staff frantically do things behind the counter, yet not one of these things appears to resemble a hot drink
yeah i’d have thought so, he’s a cat
Leia: You owe child support.
Han: What? I’m in hyperspace.
Leia: You’re standing right here
Han: *makes hyperdrive noises with his mouth*
So, #Dorners ID was found in San Diego a week ago and then unmelted in the burned down cabin? sounds legit.
9: *talks about Minecraft*
Me: *hears white noise* cool
9: *eyes narrow* which part was the coolest
Me: *eyes narrow* the part…
9:
Me: …with the…
9:
Me: *sweating*…ender dragon
9:
Me:
9: cool
Me: cool
If I could go back in time and choose you again, I wouldn’t.
[Waking up]
Me to me: I see my assassin failed.