Becoming a grandparent is the one time it’s acceptable to choose your own nickname and people blow it EVERY TIME. Why would you be Grampy when you could be DEATHBLADE.
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narrator: Phoebe outstretches her arms to appear bigger and ward off the door-to-door salesman
The trick to free lunches is to tell your friend “you get this one, I’ll get the next 1” and then never see them again and make new friends.
I read that 83% of prison inmates are Christians…should I be concerned with my safety when I’m up in Heaven?
*rolls over to your desk on chair*
So what was in that browser you just quickly minimised?
ME: *pleased* Honey, I folded the dishes.
WIFE:
M:
W: The laundry.
M: No the dish…
W:
M:
W: What?
M: We need new dishes.
Got fired from my job at Footlocker for trying to feed myself to the crocs.
If you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen a mall.
Can’t believe Flo Rida says “so many girls in here, where do I begin” and “where them girls at” in the same song. They are right in here. So many of them.
If I add up all the cheese I ate this year, you’d think I’m actually made of moon.
Get you a man who isn’t really into movies: He’ll never know that sweet love note you wrote him is really just a series of lines from Field of Dreams.
Yep, it’s true👇🏼😂😂😂
I just let a raccoon loose in my kitchen just so I’d have something to do tomorrow.
Bon Jovi promising we were half way there 37 years ago is why I have trust issues
her: when we go to Hawaii let’s ride a dolphin
me:
her:
me: i’m taking a plane, Karen
I think u would all treat me a lot better if i possessed a small amount of plutonium
6yo: mom, how do you spell ‘do not touch’
4yo: mom, how do you spell ‘yes touch’
A fella staggers exhausted into his house.
“What’s wrong with you?” asks his wife.
“I thought I’d save my $3 bus fare by running behind the bus” gasps the man.
“You idiot” says his wife.
“If you’d run home behind a taxi you could’ve saved $25”
“your cat will eat you when you die” yeah but he shows infinite grace by making no attempt in the meantime. leave him alone
Yeah, I know what my neighbors wear to bed. Not because I look in their windows; I just see them during the day at Walmart.
nature’s most graceful animal
[hospital]
DOCTOR: Your wife signed a DNR
ME: I’m here for a sprained ankle
DOCTOR: She insisted
me: [wearing a wire] ok i’m inside the drug dealer’s house
drug dealer: who are you talking to
me: [lowering my voice] he knows
I’d like to wish a very happy 5th birthday to the jar of salsa in my fridge
Who wants an omelet?
(3 minutes later)
Who wants scrambled?
When I was a teenager, my father showed me a 30 minute Powerpoint presentation why one should always wear a condom!
All the slides were just pictures of me….
If my wife calls me passive-aggressive one more time I swear to God I’m going to run the dishwasher half-empty again
interviewer: we’ve decided to go with another candidate
me [slides can of spinach across table]: what about now?
interviewer: wrong popeyes
me [slides second can of spinach across table]: and now?
PaY fIVe MiLlIoN nOw AnD tHe DoG dOeSn’T gEt SmAsHeD
Signed: nOt The cAt
I can’t tell if my baby is a slow clapper or is starting a slow clap to mock my parenting.
100,000 Americans signed a petition to have Justin Bieber deported back to Canada.
8 million Canadians signed a petition to prevent this.