In a few hours, after I become a billionaire, I’m changing all the contact names in my phone to peasant.
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The gym I never go to closed, so now I’ll have to not go to a different one.
“Veggies?” The subway sandwich artist looks at me smugly. He knows I only want meat & cheese. He knows I fear the judgement of the line behind me. His hand hovers over the pale, wet lettuce. A bead of sweat drips down my forehead. The air between us crackles
Breaking news:
Everyone you meet is going through some kind of struggle, and they also have something to teach you, so do NOT make eye contact.
[first day at seminary]
PRIEST: today we’ll be discussing judeo christian practices
ME: when do we learn kicks and takedowns
PRIEST: *rubs bridge of nose*
I like to sing Mambo No. 5 but replace the names of the women with various types of cheese.
her: i love croissants
me: *trying to impress* i’m flaky too
Fun With Magnets: Monday Edition
My neighbour keeps making cutting remarks like “you really need a better lawnmower”
Idk y men go to bars to meet women? Go to Target. The female to male ratio is 10 to 1 and they’re already looking for things they don’t need
Her: Sir, you account has been hacked.
Me: Twitter?
Her: No. Your Bank acc.
Me: Ooooh Thank God.
Do I speak Spanish?
Oui!
HEADLINE: Recent Studies Show Old White Dudes Possibly Becoming Obsolete. “This is bad for everybody,” say Old White Dudes.
Pro Tip: If you are under the age of 35, don’t get married. If you are over 35, don’t get married. If you are 35, don’t get married.
Her: Can I sit down & join you?
Me: Be careful. I’m bad luck.
Her: Oh, no you’re not!
Me: (Sigh) You just sat on some gum…
Roses are red, violets are-
Guy who named red onions: Blue! Violets are definitely blue!
I googled “how freaking long can it possibly take to play 18 holes of golf?” if you wanted to know how much trouble my husband is in tonight.
Little known fact: a penguin’s head can rotate 390 degrees. Once.
My wife left me by doing the “stairs behind the sofa” thing and never came back
I admire my phone for not working when it gets too hot. I, too, sometimes feel that I’m so hot I shouldn’t have to work
Hello Darkness my old friend.
Darkness (under his breath): Oh God, it’s him again.
Apologizing for canceling a meeting is like saying sorry for buying me a beer.
How it started: How it’s going:
Oh OK thanks for the tip, I was actually planning on letting the bed bugs bite but good call
*about to rob bank
Me: you cool
Partner: as a cucumber
Neil deGrasse Tyson: actually cucumbers are room temperature
Me: why is he here again
Years ago, someone discovered that white wine removes red wine stains, and all I can say is that must have been a hell of a party.
[Jaden Smith at aquarium]
“…any questions?”
Do Crabs Think Fish Can Fly?
“No”
What If Our Air Is Just Bird Water?
“Huh”
How Can Birds Be R
Legal tip for men: if you get a free t shirt at a bar, you’re not required to keep it forever, like they can’t arrest you if u throw it out.
Cricket: what am I?
God: a bug
Cricket: *flutters wings* do I fly?
God: you sorta jump big
Cricket: *sees bird* is that a bug?
God: nah buddy that’s a bird
Bird: *chirps*
Cricket: *chirps*
God: no stop that
It could be worse.
You could be coughing up someone else’s lung.