My cable froze and Ray Liotta was staring at me for like 30 minutes. It changed me, man.
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Worst part about getting a phone call is the 12 seconds you can’t use your phone as you wait for it to stop ringing.
I’ll write I’ll write I’ll write.
she’s going to make a soup or a hearthy stew perhaps
me: i lost my luggage.
airport worker: did you carry on?
me: *sigh* how can i?
Picture me naked.
Wrong.
More plates of nachos stacked around me.
still one of the greatest philosophical minds of our time
skydiving instructor: were not letting you jump out of this plane without a parachute
me: *wearing a hat with a little propeller on top* just trust me
Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.
FRIEND: you should really try Zumba, I’m in the best shape since high school
ME: *not really paying attention* oh yeah
*two weeks later watching my Roomba on my couch*
ME: ive never felt better in my life
Just saw a video where Gordon Ramsey was struggling to say “Worcestershire sauce”, and honestly guys, if he can’t do it there’s no hope for the rest of us
[1983]
FRIEND: Let’s play monsters! I’ll be a werewolf, and you lock me in the closet because it’s a full moon. Don’t let me out!
ME: Hahaha, cool!
[just now]
ME: OH SHIT BILLY
* overheard at the bar *
Becky: so what do you do?
Him: I’m a beekeeper
Ecky: you astard!!!!
My 5yo, asserting his independence on the last day of school by coming downstairs dressed in fleece pants on a 90 degree day. I’m sweating just looking at him.
Rt to bother an English speaker
KIDS: [from the kitchen] dad…may we have ice cream?
ME: no you may not
[long pause]
K: dad…may we be forgiven if we already had ice cream?
I told my wife she was packing the suitcase wrong so guess who has to put his vacation clothes in grocery bags now.
Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.
Father, pardon, excuse, exonerate, absolve, acquit, forgive me, for I have synonymed.
Going commando is the closest I’ll ever get to joining the army.
I need a hobby. I’ve been over on Insta, commenting ‘what kind of dog is this?’ On people’s bird pics.
Me: I can’t find clothes for a toddler
Salesman: Have you looked for 12-15 months?
Me: No, just half an hour
My dog must think that the mailman just can’t take a hint
My natural facial expression is that of a slightly pissed off serial killer
One man’s trash is another man’s problem because the wind just blew my garbage into the neighbor’s yard.
[baker’s school admissions test] what number comes after 11
I’ve been getting fewer and fewer new followers but I’ll be damned if I’m going to tweet something good just because some people have taste.
Movie comes on while im in bed: ugh ive seen this a million times
Movie comes on before I have to get ready for work: oh hell yea a classic
handsome customer: [pointing] that costume please.
clerk: sexy warlock. you got it.
me: same as him.
clerk: creepy male witch, comin’ up.
Scooby Doo taught me that if you smoke enough pot, your dog will talk and help you get snacks.
“You know…”
[takes drag of cigarette]
“That energy bar is full of sugar”
[exhales]