Yes I did run that bus full of children off the road but I was late for my LARPING championship.
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I could finish folding this laundry much faster if the cat would stop “helping”!
Whatever you say to someone, do it while slowly landscaping a tiny zen garden to really bring it home.
Boy in the pub was telling me his job is a penguin erector so every time a plane flys over Edinburgh zoo the penguins can’t take their eyes off it and end up falling over n he just goes round picking them back up, 38 penguins 2000 flights a day
HEY. Our ancestors didn’t eat brunch. They ate rocks. And fought dinosaurs. Ever heard of fire? They INVENTED it. Enjoy your Bloody Mary.
I let my toddler play with my phone today so now everything is in Spanish and I have 273 pictures of her left hand
COP: Is this man bothering you, Sir?
ME: that’s my wife
If you drink five of those 5 Hour Energy drinks in one day you unlock the secret 25th hour and you also die
Those “free hugs” people sure do get upset when you ask them what $20 will get you.
Due to inflation they will now be known as Maroon 6, Sum 47 and 103 Degrees, respectively
I have an admission that will shock some people. It’s not something I’m proud of and I hope I’ll be given a little grace, but I’ll understand if not.
Here goes….
My hips have lied. Like…a lot.
Reasons my wife gets mad at me:
1. Something something something
1. Some other stuff
1. I don’t pay attention when she talks
Michael Cera, in a public restroom, pinned to the opposite wall by the force of the hand-dryer.
Sorry for laughing and pointing when you fell. I just thought clapping would be rude.
My kid got all dramatic and started a story with “in the deep dark woods there lived…a chicken” and now I need him to come home from the park and tell me the rest
#damn
Dumbo sounds like a good idea until you think about how much poop a flying elephant would drop
Every toddler is a budding artist when you give them a peanut butter & jelly sandwich.
Cinderella & Clark Kent would be a fun couple. Any time she took off her shoe or he took off his glasses, it’d be: “Who the hell are you?!”
Honey, I made the news! Apparently that old lady I fought at the library wasn’t a ghost
My 3 year old just had a meltdown because I told her she had to be 4 before she could be 6. I haven’t broken the news about 5 to her yet.
I mowed the grass before a huge storm, and now my wife gets to hear me say “Good thing I mowed when I did!” all weekend
I don’t know why they call this a house cat he doesn’t even like techno.
Kind of jealous of how a horse can strap a meal to its face.
This is the best tattoo I’ve ever seen in my whole life, no contest
5: [bending his own finger backward] THIS HURTS & I DON’T KNOW HOW TO MAKE IT STOP!
Me: [sighs & closes his college savings account]
Why don’t we ever talk about how there were aquariums EVERYWHERE in the ’80s. You couldn’t buy socks in a department store without seeing at least 40 tropical fish.
ME: Distinguished fellow, have you seen a monster in this Loch?
LOCHNESS MONSTER (wearing a massive fake mustache): *monster noises*
[kicks in your door to apologize to you]
If all the Domino’s employees in the world held hands, you’d have to make your own pizza.