Trying to drop kids to school on time is a great way to learn to cuss under your breath
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Phil Collins’ “In The Air Tonight” is the best ever song about a silent but deadly fart.
Friends are like bananas.
If you peel their skin and eat them, they will die.
I accidentally made eye contact with someone on a zoom meeting. I quickly looked away dripping in discomfort. Then I remembered it was zoom and we didn’t make eye contact at all, she looked at her camera.
I enjoy the outdoors when it stays outdoors.
I am a fountain of wisdom for those who thirst for knowledge.
me: i’ll just have one more bite
narrator: she would go on to have 37 more bites
Listerine, for when you feel like killing all 10,000 taste buds at once.
*breaks out of prison
*hunted by police for weeks
*crawls thru 22 miles of mud to your house*
Me: <taps on your window> DID YOU GET MY TEXT?
He may be a red flag factory but the building is nice.
Take it from me; I have reverse kleptomania.
Pumpkins are so versatile, they can be made into pies, lattes, carriages…
INTERVIEWER: nice to meet you, why don’t you have a seat
ME: omg was I supposed to bring one
*Tries to start the wave at a funeral
If you haven’t manipulated your kids into calling grandma to ask to sleep over, you’re missing out on a crucial parenting hack.
Pointed out my kids real dad to them at the car wash today. None of us are sure if I’m kidding.
The chinese translation for penguin is business goose.
Bruce Banner: You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry
Me: I don’t like you now
Making sure to loudly declare my love for microwaved fish on Zoom calls so I’m never invited back into the office
I’m forced to conclude that not liking my tweets is a you problem.
I don’t care if you used to be the village bicycle…
All that matters is that you’re my bicycle now.
~inspirational tweet
Hell hath no fury like this woman attempting to type “scorned” and having it autocorrected to “scrotum” 13 times in a row.
[date]
Him: Would it bother you to learn that I’m married?
Her: Look, I don’t believe in bigamy.
Him: So size doesn’t matter either? Phew!
[fishing]
me: why won’t these goldfish take my bait?
friend: they’re koi.
me: aww don’t be shy little fishies.
I thought it would be good for the environment if I had less grass to waste water on so I put a pool in.
Murder is like art, as long as you can bullshit your way into justifying it, someone out there will be like “oh yeah, I totally get it.”
Do you think the earth is flat? Blink once for no, have a lobotomy for yes.
[starts Power Point presentation titled “Why I’m Breaking Up With You”]
Him: Wait, what the–?
Me: Please hold all questions until the end.
Roasted broccoli for dinner tonight, and the rave reviews are in.
“What is this? It tastes like hair,” said one ungrateful child.
I took someone else’s coffee at Starbucks. I’m Tiffany now
Sorry not sorry.