OK THERE. DID I PASS YOUR STUPID SOBRIETY TEST YET?
Cop: Sir, you’re still laying on the ground where you fell down.
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Talk to me like you’re trying to steal my credit card number, baby
Me: Who’s a good boy? WHO’S A GOOD BOY? Who wants a belly rub? WHO WANTS A BELLY RUB?
Client: Can I get a different massage therapist?
I wonder how many people die each year as a result of lifeguards running in slow motion.
Me: “Leave me alone! I’m confident in who I am and I know my worth!”
Dollar General Employee: “Sir, these shelves aren’t designed to support your weight please get down from there.”
I’m sick of diarrhea. I want to livarrhea.
Everyone is all “love is patient” during the wedding but when there’s a long line for the open bar, not so much.
Taking everything I read on social media with a grain of salt is why I’m so swole
Mom: if your friends jumped off a bridge, would you jump too?
Me, friendless: rub it in a little more, Judy
If you really want me to pay attention to you, you’d mention sandwiches
I WILL HUNT YOU DOWN AND FIND YOU and cuddle you softly.
Person: “Why are you in a wheelchair?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “My jet pack is in the shop.”
Your Tinder date welcomes you into their bedroom. They excuse themselves and go to the bathroom, leaving you alone on their bed. What is your next move?
A. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
B. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
C. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
D. All of the above
Act normal. Act normal. Act normal. ActnormalactnormalactnormalACTNORMALDAMNITactnormal
I’m completely naked under all this pizza.
The best way to get the woman of your dreams is to comment “gorgeous” on a minimum of 52 of her selfies.
I’m going to get some steel wool so I can crochet myself a new car.
Me, a cop: you’re gonna have to do a lie detector test
Detainee: I mean ok
Me: first question, do you like my outfit be honest
I swear if one more phone call interrupts my internet quiz I will harness whichever Disney villain I am.
Laying a trap for my boyfriend by asking him if he thinks I look too skinny
Date : So you’re the youngest of three?
Me : Yep, my parents are both older.
There’s no one lazier than the guy who named the orange.
Million dollar idea: Selling shower heads at the exit of a Ryan Gosling movie
The interesting thing about stabbing somebody in the chest with a giant sharpened stick is it will kill them whether they’re a vampire or just a regular dude
Awwwwww he is confused! ❤️🤣🤣
Booked an escape room but just to get away from everyone… no plans of escaping, they’re gonna have to kick me out
“felt cute might delete later lolz”
pet shop clerk: “hey there! what can i getcha”
Jafar: “i want the most malicious parrot you have”
dracula: *bites neck*
me: oh, I should probably warn you-
dracula: *dies*
me: i am 50% garlic bread
There were no suspicious people alerts on nextdoor today so Susie over on Mystic Ave has either been kidnapped or is dead
My New Years resolution is to be more of an enabler, like yes girl text your ex