What ever happened to simple filters like Black and white or Sepia? Now I need to choose from Funfetti Hufflepuff or Pixie Rave Donkey Punch.
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[before meditation]
I just wanna kill someone[after meditation]
and I know EXACTLY how
you (uneducated, wastes time): *pours half & half into your coffee*
me (math genius, time efficient): *pours 1 into my coffee*
Them: “Would you like to eat an entire loaf of bread?”
Me: “No thank you.”
Them: “What if we gave you a pot of cheese and a little poker and called it fondue?”
Me: “I’m in.”
Her: I like how you did your hair today. Me: OMG thank you, I passed out in my closet last night.
“if I can play devils advocate for a second” bro just let me talk to the devil himself u are sooo annoying
*grabs mic at a funeral* ok now say nice things about me
incredible
[restaurant]
me: *pointing* I’ll have that platter for one please
server: but that’s the ‘All You Can Eat’ buffet table, sir
me: challenge accepted
dividing 75 by 2 to get 37.5……. awful experience. wouldn’t wish it on anyone
Some people come into your life for a reason.
Like for target practice.
Marriage counsellor: What’s the problem?
Wife: He is so literal. It drives me mad.
MC: And how do you feel, Stephen?
Me: With my hands.
Russel Crowe is my favorite actor named after a misspelled bird but Ethan Hawke is a close second
Why are they called “grammar Nazis” and not “the Gestypo”?
Person 1: The glass is 1/2 full
Person 2: The glass is 1/2 empty
Excel: The glass is the 1st of February
I’ve tried playing Jenga with children. But it’s so much easier using the little wooden blocks.
WIFE: Your heavy drinking is making you delusional
ME: *turns to friend* Do you think that’s true?
WOLVERINE: Nah, don’t listen to her
The best thing about money is that if you give it to the right person they’ll hand you donuts.
Thin eyeliner today.
*left one goes fatter
*right one goes fatter
*left one goes fatter
*right one goes fatter
*covers entire face.
Unicyclists should just walk if they’re so desperate to cut down on wheels
Don’t believe cartoons. No matter how hard you throw a toilet plunger, it won’t actually stick to someone’s face.
[forgetting the phrase ‘adopt a rescue’]
i’d like to purchase one used dog
me: whoa you think I’m buff?
them: no, we said buffoon
My cat sleeps next to her food bowl and it inspired me to move my bed to the kitchen
Call me faithless, but I just can’t believe three guys would travel that far on camels to throw a baby shower.
Pretty rude to eat a salad in front of your houseplants
My kids spent two hours “cleaning” and accomplished literally nothing.
Then I told them they had ten minutes to pick up everything or they were grounded.
Then they finished in eight.
It’s 4:20 do you know what that means?!?
It means only 40 minutes left to get 8 hours of work done.
I wipe my counters with raw chicken breasts because I refuse to have weak children.
Hear toddler having meltdown at Target
Me: Parents should control their kids!
Cashier: Isn’t she yours?
Me:
C: I saw her come in with you.
Today I met people who had twin 6 month old babies, and they would not even let me have the one that really liked me. Selfish.