Police: How are you feeling?
Me: I’m fine.
*polygraph explodes*
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My daughter now associates height with age and refuses to believe I could be older than someone that’s 5’5”
Oh you’re a vegan. Name all the plants.
I love all my children equally, I steal the same number of fries from each one
Him: We have made it completely idiot proof
Me: Stand aside and let a professional determine that
I put my hand upon your hip
And then I steal yo queso dip
It’s the 13th anniversary of “Umbrella”. What a good excuse for…
There are too many movies about vampire hunters and not enough about vampire gatherers.
“Donatello choose ur weapon”
“I’ll take a stick”
“Really not a sword? Nunchu..”
“A STICK”
“Ha I guess u wanna wear purple too?”
“…”
“Ugh”
A great tip. #CakeRex
[cops knock on my door]
“Sir?”
“Nobody’s home.”
“Who said that then?”
“My dog.”
“Jesus Christ, well do u know when Mr Hughes will be back?”
It’s been 0 days since a member of family who claims to love me unplugged my phone to charge their own device.
*at family function..
*superglues jenga tower
ME: this check-up is pointless, I’m in my prime
DOCTOR: did… did your hip just dislocate when you sat down?
ME: this chair isn’t regulation height
584.
invited to a party: will there be food?
to a wedding: will there be food?
to the gym: will there be food?
to an orgy: will there be food?
to an intervention: will there be food?
to be a human trial subject for experimental brain surgery: will there be food?
911: What’s you’re emergency?
ME: You mean “your”?
911: OK. So..?
ME: Someone’s murdering me
911: You mean “murdered”
ME:..
911: [dial tone]
It feels so good to tell my mom every morning that I’m going running, because then she hangs up and I can sleep another hour.
rise and shine we got egg
Her: Wow, how’d you get that black eye?
Me: *thinks back to that husky raccoon lying in wait* BAR FIGHT
I’m not saying I have a drinking problem I’m proving it.
2000: I don’t want no scrubs
2020: I’m actually gonna need all those scrubs.
My superhero name is Typoman. I am the writer of wrongs.
It’s a bird. It’s a plane. It’s a pedestrian. Seriously, you’re hitting everything with your car.
Just got myself some new
memory foam shoes.Maybe now I’ll remember
why I walked in the room.
I just walked into the living room to find my daughter teaching the family cat to play Cards Against Humanity. I think we’ve run out of ways to pass the time.
For a tiny person unable to wipe herself after she poops, my toddler has managed to hit me dead in the eyeball with 4 things today.
Date: I’m looking for someone who is courageous.
Me: I’m braver than any marine.
Marine, at the table to my left: Excuse me?
Me: Any, uh, marine animal.
Manatee, on a date with the marine: Excuse us?
The concept of dominant hands is hilarious to me. That one of our hands is just like no, I’m not helping
I tink there’s a deal going down in your backyard!
pillsbury doughdad: [turning oven down] put a dang sweater on if you’re so cold, you naked moron