[product pitch meeting]
BOSS: ok what have you come up with
ME: a turbo walker for seniors
BOSS: but how would their legs even keep up
ME [proudly]: with these roller skates
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Thought somebody was touching my neck so I turned around and did a karate chop stance, turns out it was just my feather earring.
[on a plane]
Captain: I have bad news
Passengers: *gasp*
Captain: the middle class is dying
Passengers: oh, that’s true
Captain: first class might survive
Passengers: what
Captain: *tries to land the plane backwards*
Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.
It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.
Today I’m approaching teens dressed like I’m from the future, locking eyes, and saying “Happy Presidents Day, sir” with a wink
CW: What’s your favorite shellfish fantasy drama?
Me: Game of Prawns 🍤
Hike in groups. Bears like to have options
husband: do you know where the thing is
me: can I buy a noun
I taught my son how to roll down a hill and then I taught some passerby’s how I clean puke off my son.
Scooterology is the science of moving things just a smidge
Neat! according to this Walgreens blood pressure monitor, i should have died in 1998
God: You’re going to Earth to live as a human
Jesus: Can I drink?
God: Yes
Jesus: Can I get married and have kids?
God: No
Jesus: Can I have a man cave?
God: Eventually *winks at angel*
Do-it-yourself home remodeling usually starts in the kitchen and ends in the depths of Hell.
Me *taking long drag on cigarette: “Kids, funerals aren’t really for the dead you know. They’re for the living”
*2 weeks later
[In church]
Priest: “We are gathered here today to…”Me *furiously banging on coffin lid: “This is not what I meant!“
I often message people with the weird idea that they’ll message me back.
Kind of miss the days when one of the biggest things we as a nation disagreed on was Coke vs. Pepsi.
MAGICIAN: think of a card!
ME: ok.
MAGICIAN: is… this ur card?
[holds up card that says “UGH I HATE MAGIC SHOWS THIS IS CRAP”]
ME: holy crap
”How’d you get that scar on your head?”
[remembers falling at the playground as a kid]
”Stopped a bank robbery”
‘Tis the season when you think about your loved ones…
…and realize that although you love them, it’s not that “rush one-day delivery” fee kind of love. Ever.
Murphy’s Law – If it can go wrong, it will go wrong. Cole’s Law – shredded cabbage in mayo
I’m keeping my wedding small. Probably won’t have a bride.
I just realized that there is absolutely nothing stopping me from telling elderly people that I wrote Despacito
Wife: [reaches for the fries on my plate]
Me: [slides grocery divider between plates]
Wife: you said you didn’t take that from the store.
Me: and you said you didn’t want any fries but here we are.
“My eyes are up here,” I said as I clutched my burrito tighter.
Pretty disappointed that the phrase “if looks could kill” is figurative
I’ve never seen Les Misérables, but it looks like a cool movie about people who sing while working at Urban Outfitters.
[Before the post office was invented]
SOME GUY: I need someone to deliver an important document
PIGEON: *simply existing*
SOME GUY: You seem trustworthy
I hate when you get all excited bc someone says they had a dream about you and then you find out you were just there holding a clipboard
if you ate peanuts out of those bowls on bars in the 80’s or 90’s you’re a little gross for doing that but you’re also immune to pretty much every virus or disease ever
My kid was driving me crazy so I told her daddy wanted to play hide & seek and he was hiding first [he wasn’t home]. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
Cats (2019)