Windbreakers only want one thing and it’s dis-gusting
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mafia boss: “i want you to send tony the rat a message”
me: “like what”
mafia boss: “a horses head or sumthin”
me: [sends txt: “hey tony 🐴”]
My latest invention, spinal mascara, is creating a big backlash
I’m so awkward I visited a new doctor today and when they came in I literally said “Those are some nice shoes”. I have to find another doctor already.
you know you’re related when you visit your cousin and find her crying because she dropped her cake pop.
A woman just told me I should leave twitter if I don’t have anything sensible to say.
She’s obviously a newbie.
I was in a triathlon once and I even led briefly during the registration portion
Just got carpal tunnel syndrome from scrolling down to my birth year
If stores want to accurately display clothes for people over 40 the mannequins should be laying on a couch after 5PM.
as a child i thought i’d have to deal with the bermuda triangle a lot more than i have in my adult life
Traveled back to 1918 and accidentally called it World War One.
Working on a new catchphrase. I’m workshopping “That really butters my baboon!” and “THAT’ll put a meatloaf in your mailbox!”
They’re testing equally well (nobody likes them)
Boss: Can I have a word?
Me: Color
Boss: No, I want a word with YOU
Me: Colour
My dog doesn’t even understand what I’m doing when I air guitar solos to metal ballads but she dutifully holds up her lighter.
WIFE: I think he’s in a midlife crisis
“Why, did he buy a new car?”
WIFE: not yet
[I pull up on a sleigh pulled by roughly 1000 raccoons]
We’re playing Mario party and the boys keeps intentionally referring to Luigi as Louis and it’s making me irrationally angry.
Aliens: take me to your leader
Me: Hey babe, is it okay if we have company?
If two people on opposite sides of the world drop a piece of bread on the ground at the same time the Earth briefly becomes a sandwich
Sometimes I’ll sign a wedding guestbook with something inspirational:
“1 out of 5 stars: would not recommend”
No, 2013, you were not the worst year. But thank you for trying.
Do hairy people get bed head all over?
Ma’am, I just called to see if you’re happy with your cell phone provider. But probably they do.
Wife: an asteroid is on it’s way!
Hubby: Did you order that from Amazon too?
non-violent communication is so important in a relationship! instead of:
“you never take out the trash”
try:
“i FEEL like the spreadsheet i’ve kept for the last six months indicates you only took the trash out 3.2% of the time”
I don’t got that dog in me. I got that cat in me. Bam knocked your water cup right off the counter. Now I’m gonna take a nap
“My parents are supporting my blue check for the first few years of marriage but then gonna start paying myself.”
*FINALLY gets truck washed*
*immediately judges people’s dirty vehicles*
RIDDLER: What has–
BATMAN: A gazebo
ROBIN: Matches
RIDDLER: Let me finish-
BM: A paperweight
R: Dental floss
RIDDLER: I hate you guys
Her: How’s your drink?
Me: It’s ok. I can’t taste the alcohol though
Her:That’s cause we’re at the gym and its a protein shake
I asked my daughter to make me a Pinterest board of what she’d like to redecorate her room and I just opened it up to see nothing but a bunch of pictures of people holding fistfuls of cash
*sharpens claws of two dozen lobsters*
*sets loose in back yard*
*never mows again*
I know we haven’t talked in awhile but I’ve been thinking about us a lot and I was wondering if u remembered the name of that burrito place