me: alexa what happens when we die
alexa: you get taken to the hospital for multiple stab wounds where you are pronounced dead and your wife is eventually found innocent of murder due to evidence tampering
me: wait what
alexa: what
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Q: If you could be any animal, which one would you be?
A: The drummer from the Muppets, next question.
New York: The city that never sleeps.
Berlin: The city that never sleeps until Sunday.
Paris: The city that never sleeps alone.
Why isn’t “long weekend” simply written as weeeeekend?
[me, from cold stone] launch the missiles
Annoying how when you go to the orchestra, there’s always that one wasted dude up front swaying and waving his arms around the whole time
[doing an identification at the coroner’s office]
It’s not her; my wife has a head.
You ask me for the time and notice my watch is actually a live shrimp hugging my wrist, he whispers “12:30” but he’s guesstimating as shrimps usually do
*Bites werewolf*
Me: At every sunrise you will transform into middle management.
Werewolf: No!
Me: And you will go to bed at a reasonable time…EVERY NIGHT.
Husband: Now that our younger son is 6 and our older one doesn’t turn 10 for a few months, you know what that means
Me: No, what?
H: It’s the summer of 6 and 9
Me: get out
I had abstinence-only sex education when I was in high school.
It was called Dungeons and Dragons.
Revenge sounds so mean-spirited and hurtful. I prefer to think of it as returning the favor.
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
as i search desperately for my floor, panic rises in lieu of the elevator
[drunk, yelling at an empty Fosters can] ALEXA WHO ATE MY DORITOS
wife: [angrily getting up from table] can we please buy a bed?!
What are guys wearing their sunglasses on the back of their heads hiding from us?
The single most HARDEST thing about being an immigrant in the US is knowing that regardless of my sacrifices, my beliefs or the beauty in my soul, I, too, may one day be allergic to gluten
ME: Is it true you can smell diseases?
MY DOG: Yes
ME: Well do I have any?
MY DOG: Yes, you’re insane
ME: Wow you can smell that?
MY DOG: No
Interviewer: Why do you want to work here?
Me: Revenge.
Back in 2000 a woman I was seeing gave me an Easter basket. My cat would eat a piece of the plastic “grass” which would then make him throw up. He kept doing this despite it making him sick every time.
This is a great analogy for me continuing to read your tweets.
“That is fertilizer” -Vin Scully
him, leaving for work: we still need to talk about your soap opera addiction
me: *walks away and stares out the window as the rain starts to fall* just go
Me [doing a lovely soft shoe routine and nailing it]
Brother: Are you serious? This is my sentencing hearing
Judge [teary]: Just wonderful
COP: someone’s been cutting everyone’s christmas lights but not yours
ME: i have no idea why a crustacean- i mean person would do that
[my pet lobster Susan slowly puts her big pincer behind her back]
gonorrhea would’ve been a good name for a diarrhea medicine.
Fine, I’ll bite. What’s stability?
Me: How dilated is she?
Nurse: 4 centimeters.
Me: This is America.
Nurse: 0.000198838 furlongs.
Me: I wish for a lightsaber.
Genie: Be realistic.
Me: Ok, I wish for a boyfriend.
Genie: Would you like your lightsaber in blue or green?
“Who’s sorry now?”
~ First question on Canadian citizenship exam