When I hear the phrase “Freudian slip” I immediately imagine Sigmund in a revealing, yet tasteful nightgown. That can’t be healthy.
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*checks watch*
*gets up off toilet*
I don’t have time for this shit
“Are you happy, Ted? Now you know what that button does.”
Murderman V. Another Murderman: Dawn of Murdering
#BatmanvSuperman
It’s funny when you tell someone that you don’t like people, they always think you mean other people.
First, they came for the lettuce… and I said nothing because I don’t eat lettuce.
Then, they came for the kale… and I said nothing because I don’t eat kale.
Then they came for the fries…
and I said, OH. HELL. NO.
I swear to god, the next car that cuts me off will be driving in front of me.
My wife is great at multitasking. She can be mad at me for five different things at the same time.
It’s always fun to put a rainbow bumper sticker on your homophobic friend’s car.
[really awkward birthday party]
FIRST EVER PERSON TO SING HAPPY BIRTHDAY: [takes deep breath]
[at the bar]
Her: My break up has been so hard…nothing could possibly hurt as much as this!
Sticks A Knife In People Steve: Lol
DATE: my eyes are up here
ME: [imediately looking up from their dog] sorry
DATE: So what do you do?
ME: I race cars.
HER: That’s so cool. Have you won many races?
ME: No, the cars are much faster.
My mother-in-law’s text alert is an entire song. Starting to think my father-in-law’s rage isn’t really from Vietnam.
People are so nosy, always asking me what I just injected into their neck. Don’t worry about it!
Japan’s theme parks have banned screaming on roller coasters because it spreads coronavirus. “Please scream inside your heart.”
it’s either covid or clever vampires
Technically every mocking reply to a crypto bro is an NFT, because it’s a digital record of them being owned
I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”
Our 50 favourite Christmas tweets of 2021.
Grandma: ‘And that’s how me and your grandfather chose the colour of toaster in our first home’
Me: ‘So you haven’t seen my scarf?’
secret recipe
Mr. Peanut’s funeral will be open-casket in a sense. His coffin is ajar.
Everyone complains about the weather but noone’s sacrificing a virgin to change it either.
Here’s a conspiracy theory, your parents conspired to create an idiot
Let them kids believe in Santa! You believe you’re cute no one says shit
Roses are brown,
Violets are brown,
Daisies are brown,I’m a terrible gardener.
Life hack: Stop looking for love in Tinder or Twitter. Try Linkedin, at least you know they’d all have a job.
sometimes late at night i look up at the stars and wonder what life would be like if my hair was spaghetti. would i eat it? i prolly would. would i eat other peoples hair spaghetti? again, most likely yes
SPONSORED POST: Tide Pods. Remember when we seemed like a big problem?
bank robber: OK EVERYBODY GET DOWN!
[dave starts doing the electric slide]
robber: damn it Dave, not you, go fetch the money