[Watching boxing]
Sure bro, I watch boxing all the ti- HEY DID YOU SEE WHAT HE JUST DID?! HE JUST PUNCHED THAT GUY! SOMEONE CALL THE COPS!
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Me *hesitates to do CPR on a friend who’s on the floor, unconscious*: What if he comes back as a zombie
911 Operator: No, he’d have to be dead awhile, then reanimated through some kind of disease vector or lightning storm.
Me: Thank you!
Operator: That’s what we’re here for.
nobody warns you of the devastation two days of stuffing will bring upon your digestive system
Got sent to HR for impersonating a fire alarm during a staff meeting again
Locked in the house because the earth is on fire, dreaming of simpler times, when we were locked in the house because of a catastrophic pandemic.
Just saw a girl wearing a “BAD GAL” t-shirt so I yelled “NO!” & smacked her on the nose with a rolled up newspaper.
[farm]
SON: *crying*
ME: Look, I told you not to get attached to the animals because eventually we have to eat them
SON *running away*: I HATE YOU!!
ME: He’s taking it pretty hard… but I did warn him
WIFE: None of us thought you meant the dog
The problem w marriage is communication. When I said I hoped he’d go down in a plane I meant more crash & burn, less on the flight attendant
Just gonna wait to see how long it takes this police sketch artist to realize I’m describing him.
*drinking my first beer with my dad*
“I can’t believe you made me eat the other ones”
Me as student: how can I make my essay 400 word essay longer to fit this 500 word limit
Me as professor: if I cut 5,099 words, I will almost be at the 12,000 word limit
Bad joke of the day:
What did the finger say to the thumb?
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I’m in glove with you.
Me: You look amazing with glasses.
Her: OMG thanks
Me: *removes my glasses* But not so much without.
I got gas today for $1.39. Unfortunately, it was at Taco Bell!!
[running into my high school math teacher in 7-11 parking lot]
him: hey what’s up
me: oh just going to the [nervous glance at store sign] -4
My wife just said that my favorite pair of jeans went upstate to live on a big, beautiful farm.
Me: Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning cup of coffee
Coworker: But you don’t drink coffee
Me: *stares at them until they leave
Wife: *packing a bag*
Me: Where are you going?
W: I’m leaving you for my boss
M: Don’t go—
W: It’s too late, you can’t change my mind
M: —before I’ve written him a quick ‘Thank You & Good Luck’ note
W: I despise you
when u have no idea what ur doing but u don’t let that stop u
I marched in a high school band, caught an armed robber, and sold girl scout cookies. All I was trying to do was find my car.
He may not be a 10 but he covers his food when he puts it in the microwave
Me: *wolf whistles*
Is there a bravery award I can nominate my son for as he managed to eat his toast despite the fact I cut it wrong.
first my neighbor was okay with my electric fencing, then he was on the fence, and now he’s dead set against it
[little old lady struggling to pick up her bag of library books off the floor]
Me: [walking by]
“It’s easier if you lift with your legs.”
Wife: I think I’m going into labor!
Me: *with a cold* Could you make me some soup before you go?
Well, we made it 9 years, but it finally happened. Every parents’ nightmare. In the middle of the night our daughter caught us in the act, right there on the couch. Eating ice cream.
When people start mentioning their doctoral degrees at dinner parties I find a way to slip it into the conversation that I’ve read all 6 Harry Potter books.
date: are u a tender lover?
me: more of a dino nugget guy
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Dogs aren’t allowed in restaurants.”
Me: “He’s my service dog.”
My dog: “I’m here to fix your refrigerator.”
As a child I had a medical condition that meant I had to eat soil 3 times a day in order to survive. Lucky my older brother told me about it
My credit card company sent me a final notice bill. Good, I was tired of hearing from them