Cop: You been drinking?
Me: No.
Cop: Say the alphabet backwards.
Me: Alphabet the.
Cop: Hilarious. Say each letter.
Me: Each letter.
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What do the films Titanic & the 6th sense have in common?
Icy dead people…
Merlot; what Princess Ariel drinks when she’s depressed.
#lunchpun
me: goodnight moon 🙂
moon: night<3
me: goodnight stars 🙂
moon: wtf
me: sry wrongnumber
moon: whos stars
moon: who is stars
moon: answer me
Bank robber: everyone get down now!
me *starts dancing frantically*
Some peanut butter M&M’s just rolled under the fridge, and now I understand every sad love song ever written.
*doesnt stand for national anthem as protest against people who don’t stand for national anthem*
Don’t fight a cat. Use your brain. Use drugs. (From a veterinary textbook)
*ninja group therapy
Therapist: Nobody showed up *again*?!
Spent the day dressed as a bee, gently bumping myself against my neighbor’s sliding-glass door. Got the hose twice.
If you haven’t seen one before, may I introduce the Secretary bird.
I used to teach a workshop at a prison and one time I took a Lyft to get there and the driver won’t stop talking to me about the stock market.
Then he asked “so what are you up to today?” And I said “nothing much. Just turning myself in” and the way this man went silent. 10/10
My sense of humor can best be described as “Are you okay? Did someone hit you in the head?”
Gonna open a store that sells old books and pasta and call it Barnes & Noodles.
Me: Do you like the new ceiling fan?
Her: Yeah, but the fan light is really dull.
Fan light: Ok wow like I’m right here
Death be not proud. Death not so great with words, but happy to go out with any girl you want fix Death up with.
I just want a woman with the face of Katy Perry and the feet of Fred Flintstone.
[dog bites my arm off]
owner: lol don’t worry he’s just playing
I’m not trying to seduce you, I’m just very bad at eating
[being strapped to a medieval torture table]
“tbh not what I thought you meant when you said you were going to show me a nice rack”
me: i think we should make a baby
wife: do you know how expensive babies are?
me: wait, you can buy them??
People often name their kids after their favourite movie characters. I don’t know why my daughter Chewbacca is so upset with me.
Running with my dog, holding his poop in a small, lavender scented, biodegradable bag like the top-of-the-food-chain creature that I am.
me: when I was your age, I had to work for everything I had, your generation is just looking for handouts u lazy piece of shit
baby:
It turns out that the Circle of Life doesn’t mean a donut, I’m so confused.
If you’re wondering what good can come from all of this, at least they’re now putting tamper seals on pizza boxes.
How can anyone look at a Roomba in action and think we’re anywhere close to self-driving cars?
Canada’s got it right, when they don’t want a citizen, they just convince them they have talent so they move to the US. #JustinBeiber
my husband was trying to talk about Shrek but he couldn’t remember Shrek’s name (Shrek) so he called him “summertime grinch”
[holding baby] haha oh whoa i thought he’d be slimey but he’s really dry
Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.