Prior authorizations be like:
My doctor: You need this medicine.
Dr to pharmacy: She needs this medicine.
Pharmacy to insurance: Her doctor says she needs this medicine.
Insurance: Does she though? Let’s ask her doctor.
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[Entire house is full of trees]
Girlfriend: What did you do?!
Me: You told me to spruce things up.
GF: Everything’s stuck to everything!!!
it says here you got fired from Olive Garden because you kept saying
“pasta la vista, baby” to people. why would you put that on a resume
Apparently my kid got in trouble today for PACKING OUR TOASTER IN HIS BACKPACK and pulling it out at lunch to make pop tarts for his class. I can’t stop laughing.
I like when the doctor says nice things about me (cool shoes) and I don’t like when the doctor says mean things about me (bad cholesterol, need more exercise, drink less, actually the shoes suck)
I can’t take this anymore. I’m breaking into the zoo and throwing myself into the meerkat exhibit
How am I supposed to adequately complain about my sunburn with no lobster emoji?
“your cat will eat you when you die” yeah but he shows infinite grace by making no attempt in the meantime. leave him alone
I just ate a perfectly ripe avocado, kinda thought my super power would be more exciting.
[job interview]
“And why do you want to be a fireman?”
So I can fire people.
“That’s not what a-”
*clenching fists* You’re gonna be first.
When someone reads your message, then never responds, it’s just hurtful.
I mean, what else could they possibly have going on at 3 AM?
Yes, Barbie gave us unrealistic body standards. But she also gave us unrealistic expectations about boyfriends being willing to wear matching neon outfits and rollerblade with you.
WIFE: That won’t work
ME [planting bird seed] do you want a bird or not, Linda?
Looking for a friend with benefits. Preferably dental.
Bully: Give me your lunch money
Me (clutching my lunch sack against my body): My name isn’t Money
I never over sleep in the mornings
I set an alarm, a back up alarm, and a 4yo once those fail
how to exercise your calf muscles
Interestingly, if we invade North Korea because it caused us to miss a movie, that still won’t be the worst reason we ever went to war.
If you can’t handle me getting arrested in my pajama pants at Walmart than you don’t deserve me buying produce in my yoga pants at Target.
Breaking News: Scientists clone a new hybrid cantalope and cauliflower. “We call it the melon-cauli,” says Dr. Noah Lot of OMG I’m so sorry
{4 turtles are stuck on their backs.}
Cop: What’s going on here?
Me: Snow angel contest for free pizza.
Cop: …Who’s winning?
Me: Shredder.
Kids today will never know the joy of being selected to go outside to dust the erasers.
ME: [first day as an NFL head coach] What position do you play no. 26
HIM: I’m a running back.
ME: LOL, ok Mario, in my team we run forward.
Drugs don’t kill people, people who run out of drugs kill people
Family Clue night in my house be like: It was the teen in the kitchen with the bag of Doritos.
Wife, lecturing son: You can’t just “wing it” your entire life
Me, later to my son when we’re alone: You actually can just wing it, you just can’t tell people that’s what you’re doing
I don’t want just any tamale. I want a goddamn tamale.
I rarely eat kale chips, but when I do-I eat them condescendingly and self-righteously.
The best way to get over a cold is to get a younger hotter cold
This bar smells like my childhood.