Satan: Welcome to hell! You can spend all eternity walking barefoot across legos OR you can wear these crocs.
Me: NOOOOOOOO!!!!!!
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What is it about the human condition that makes us crumple up plastic bags and stick them in a bigger plastic bag and then stick that plastic bag under the sink never to be seen or heard from again
Stop the Internet. I want to get off.
Spider-man never tweets via iPhone. He’s a web kinda guy.
I miss the days when my work wife and my wife wife were different people.
Run yourself luxurious baths, while you’re still young and fit to climb in and out!
“Change is good,” I explain to my daughter as I carefully apply the same color lipstick I’ve been wearing since I was 15 years old.
Facebook marketplace is a different world
The dentist asked me what music I wanted to listen to during my root canal so I said “More Than A Filling.”
Wife: I love that we finish each other’s-
Me: Drinks?
W: What? No. I was gonna say sentences HEY WHERE’S MY
Me: Margarita?
I haven’t been this confused about what’s going on since The Cranberries yodeled that one song about zombies.
*spits out coffee* VERB IS A NOUN
You come into my house on this, the day of my Raisin Bran’s expiration?
the most bizarre thing about scientology compared to any other religion is that it was founded by a guy named “Ron”
me: I’m cold can I wear your hoodie
grim reaper: no
Joggers that run early in the morning aren’t doing it for the exercise, they are just looking for dead bodies. “5am, welp time for my daily sweep for murder victims,” they say.
If Sesame Street really cared about children they’d realize Big Bird could feed a hungry family for a month.
MATH TEACHER: wanna come do the problem on the board?
ME: no
MT: i wasn’t asking
ME: if u were an english teacher you’d know that u were
The main reason I don’t want to monetise my Twitter in any way isn’t so much on principle but more out of the shame I would feel if I had to disclose “low quality anonymous shitposting” to the Tax Office all for $4.50 in annual profits
Girls storing chips in their bras…pfft amateurs. I’ve got spaghetti and half a taco from this afternoon in there
Clerk: What do you do at work?
Me: Write stupid jokes on Twitter.
Clerk: You can get paid for that?
Me: Hell no. That’s why I do it at work.
doctor: im afraid u only have a few minutes left to live
me: [sobs] oh my god are u sure
doctor: [pulls out gun] im totally sure
Spider chilling while I’m on the loo: ……
Me:….*shoe ready in hand*
Also me: you’re actually kinda cute
Spider: *shifts uncomfortably*
Me: OH MY GAAWWWDDDD HE’S GONNA KILLLLL MEEEE……!!!!!!!!!!! *throws shoe*
*wakes up*
*frantically searches the bed for the donut I was eating in my dream*
Schrödinger’s Mom: You have to feed the cat
Schrödinger: Or do I?
Christmas movie tip. If you watch Die Hard straight after Love Actually, Alan Rickman will be punished for what he did to Emma Thompson.
Rejected Pixar Movie Titles:
House Float
Find My Fish Son
Automobile People
A Rat Cooked This
Ugh, We Gotta Find Another Fish
Calling giving something up Lent makes perfect sense because most of the things I’ve lent over the years have never come back.
Husband: Come on baby, do that thing that I love.
Me: *stuffs an entire jelly doughnut into my mouth*
[speaking very loudly to no one trying to impress someone nearby]
Man what am I going to do with all these hens