Me: can I wish for more wishes
Genie: no
Me: i wish for $20 then
Genie: granted
Me: *slides $20 across table* how about those wishes now
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“Can you explain this gap in your resume?”
Me: [sitting on a toadstool, blowing smoke rings] whooooo areeeee youuuuuu
[bank]
Associate: are you here to take out a loan?
Hitman: don’t worry, I’ll make it look like an accident
I am good with a paring knife. I like the weight of it in my hand. Sorry, go on, finish your story.
can’t stop thinking about pink camo as a concept. the lore of where you’d need pink camo to survive the wilderness under cover. I want to go to there.
Find someone who shares your values & dreams- but likes a different kind of dipping sauce for chicken strips so you don’t have to share that
If you give a mouse a cookie did you shriek and jump up on a chair first?
*In the back of an ambulance
Me: Change the radio station
Paramedic: Please don’t speak. You need to save your energy
Me: Im not dying to a Nickelback song
“where’s waldo?” is a fun book that teaches children how to properly stalk a nice man who has done nothing do deserve any of this. an indispensable resource for every young creep
temp agency: we only have positions for nights available right now
a dragon: i see
Me: But do I have to talk to him? Every day?? This seems excessive.
Marriage Counsellor: …
People who say “adorbs” make me miserbs
I write fake chores on my to-do list just to scribble them out, then my husband thinks I do more.
My new coffee table book, “Accidental Screenshots,” is available for pre-order now.
My husband told me I’d better stock up on my wine in case we get quarantined. Maybe he really does still care about me.
The Great Wall of China is one of the 7 wonders of the world just because it’s a Chinese product that’s lasted more than a month.
Spent 10 mins trying to get into my car today…finally the door opened when the person who actually owned the car unlocked it.
“Swimsuit season is over,” I announce, a fistful of chocolate cake in one hand and a tray of brownies in the other. My husband slowly backs out of the room.
How do you milk an almond?
“You’ll never get the butt you want by sitting on the one you have.”
-Maya Angelou
Grandma lied about girls being all over me once I got older
This Obama guy is the worst rapper ever.
Since I’m working on the pool this weekend, might as well bring this one back.
Him: Are you mad?
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typingHer: No, I’m fine, why?
Breaking news:
Foreigner: I want to know what love is.
Me: And I want to know why people do weird things like put butter on banana bread.
Me: [Sits down to eat breakfast]
Girlfriend: Babe, you forgot the French Toast
Me: Oh sorry [raises glass] VIVE LA FRANCE!
That awkward moment when the zombie looks for brains and walks right by you
“We’ve got all the time in the world” said the dodo bird to the dinosaur.
My dog thinks I’m the most amazing person on the planet but I don’t let it go to my head since I’m pretty sure the cat has me figured out