*Calling from the bakery
Me: “Honey, can I get you something: a muffin, eclair, a cupcake?”
Her: “Surprise me!”
Me: “Last summer I got drunk, and had sex with your mother”
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[at the drug store]
Employee: May I help you, sir?
Me (nervously): YEAH, I’M LOOKING FOR SOMETHING CALLED A “CHILL PILL”
Maybe Jehovah’s Witnesses keep knock knock knocking because they’re looking for Heaven’s Door.
You don’t know.
felt that
A chimney is the eyes into the Jesus.
When one chimney closes, God shuts another door.
The eyes of the door is where the Jesus is.
And then the fortune cookie company fired me
My computer just gave me an “Error 404” message, which can’t be right because I know I’ve made way more errors than that.
SCIENTISTS: there are only 90 seconds remaining on the doomsday clock
ME: [73 seconds still remaining on my microwave hotdog] c’mon… c’monnn
Milk Cube
I didn’t go to the Carribean, my tan is from standing infront of the rotisserie chicken at Costco
the funniest historical moment was when achilles’ mom, knowing that dunking him in the river styx would make him invulnerable, didn’t take an extra 2 seconds to dip his heel in to make sure he was 100% covered. just the laziest shit ever
You don’t know pissed off until she tells you to go sleep on the couch, an you take all the covers with you.
my best friend is a guy and we have a pact that if we’re both still single at 37 we’ll hunt each other for sport
An annoying part of life in the 80s was when you’re already late and, once again, you gotta shoo away some sexy lady lying all over your car
[my first day as a financial investor]
“I’m going all in on this Acme Corporation. Anybody want a piece?”
Back to Future II is so unrealistic not a single person takes a selfie or gets bullied on the internet
I have the eyebrows of a much more unstable woman
I don’t understand baby oil what are we greasin up all those babies for
If I had a pet unicorn, I’d probably just use it to carry my donuts around.
I knew a guy used to trophy hunt corn. Had a necklace of ears.
I got a haircut and grabbed some
shampoo at the checkout line.Her : “Do you want a bag ?”
Me : “OMG…is the haircut that bad ?”
Her :
“We were trapped in the elevator and had to make a terrible decision”
Which was?
“We ate Bill”
OMG. How long were you in there?
“4 minutes”
Doctor: How long ago did you injure your shoulder?
Women: 9:45am on Monday at work
Men: Sometime between yesterday and 2002
A new reality show “So You Think You Don’t Suck at Singing” where contestants vie for priority access to their local karaoke circuit
My sisters a doctor and she’s always on call. She’s an oncologist.
me: in or out
dog: yep
me: which one
dog: you bet
“Donatello choose ur weapon”
“I’ll take a stick”
“Really not a sword? Nunchu..”
“A STICK”
“Ha I guess u wanna wear purple too?”
“…”
“Ugh”
When you’re here for the treats.
ME: How do I get on that goth hot air balloon?
FRIEND: That’s a solar eclipse