I’ve concluded English is my phone’s second language. It’s the only explanation for all the bizarre autocorrects and typos that plague me.
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Need expensive surgery? Tell a surgeon you’re auditioning a few before picking one. Have them do the surgery then say “OK I’ll let you know”
Ryan Reynolds Said What?!
Nothing says I’m drunk like:
“I’m drunj.”
Cause of death: Very rough shirt tag
Some people won’t try bacon for religious reasons. I won’t try religion for bacon reasons.
4 said he went potty and I asked if it was number one or number two. He said number 7, and now I’m terrified to go into the bathroom.
Go ahead, make fun of my cargo shorts
But we’ll see who’s laughing when you need a corkscrew, life raft, pillow or an extra tuna sandwich.
you’d think someone in the room would’ve spoken up like “hey guys maybe it’s a bad idea to make one ring to rule them all”
[meeting girlfriend at the park]
Her: Surprise! I made us a picnic!
Me: *unfolding emergency bib from wallet* Holy shit let’s do this.
Coworker: Doing anything special this weekend?
Me: I’m going to get a scary Halloween costume for my puppy.
Coworker: But puppies are cute, you can’t possibly make them scary!
Me:
God: You have been freed from the shackles of corporeal form, my son. All of time and space are yours to experience. What will you do?
Spirit me: Probably just hang around my old apartment and make an occasional weird noise at night.
[son comes home with big lump on his forehead]
ME: Oh no, what happened?
7: I fell down on the playground.
ME: How did you fall?
7: Forward.
*works out for 75 mins
*eats an entire batch of cookie dough
I set the automatic reply on my work email to “I don’t negotiate with terrorists.”
Now we wait.
The scene in Rocky where he breaks open raw eggs and drinks them but me breaking open Cadbury eggs into a glass of chocolate milk.
I need 52 continuous 7 day weekends
I’m glad we’re finally banning plastic straws. It’s about time we started caring about camels and their fragile backs
Him (five years ago): Do you have a work out routine?
Me: *still laughing
Freaky Friday 2:
The mom and daughter switch bodies again
The mom doesn’t go back
She keeps stealing children’s bodies
She lives forever
Seriously you guys, the only reason to check Facebook, is to find out where people are going, and then go somewhere else.
[about to climb Mt. Everest]
Me: omg is there no parking ?
I bet M. Day Shyamalan movies would be a lot less scary, am I right?
#JohnTravolta
If you guys know anyone, I’m in the market for a mannequin head that’s missing both eyes and has dark hair…please, no weirdos.
ME: i’m gonna join the army
HEAD SURGEON: we say reattach the humerus
In my dream I see us all standing together, throwing away differences and rallying for the abolition of mayo escape-holes in loaf bread.
BATMAN: Thanks for filling in while Robin is away.
MOTHMAN: *Just repeatedly flying into the bat signal*
me: I always follow my moral compass
friend who’s lost in the woods with me: maybe we should’ve followed a compass compass
This fake stomach ache feels like I’ll be leaving work early today to go to a bar to watch the Steelers game.
Shark tooth necklaces are the perfect accessory if you want to look tough but also tell the world, “i’ve been to a gift shop.”