My favorite Disney princess is Ariel. Gotta love a woman who can’t talk for half the movie.
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ZOO BOSS: You’re fired!
ME: Is it because I cross bred a dog with a zebra and called it a Debra, after my wife?
BOSS: Yes. Yes it is.
Of course this milk is fresh, I just saw it breakdancing in the back of the refrigerator.
I’m not fascinated by you unless you’re a potato
the cat just jumped in through the window, saunted right through the living room and STOOD ON MY BANANA SANDWICH FOR FIVE SECONDS WITH HIS DIRTY FEET WHILE SCREAMING AT ME FOR BEING LATE WITH HIS LUNCH FOR GODS SAKE
As a man with a beard, I can tell you, when you get sauce in there you just rub it in. It’s part of the beard now
girls w long ass hair love to cut three inches off and be like “i love my short hair omg it’s so short”
The IRS just called me so I wired $5000 to their office in Pakistan just like they said so I hope that solves everything
What do you mean 100 іsn’t a perfect credіt score
Eating my 8 spiders on New Years Day this year to get it out of the way
Me: Stop over-analysing; not everything has to mean something!
Them: Are you gonna help us compile this dictionary or not?
Luke Skywalker: What are you dressing as for Halloween?
Yoda: WITCH, I MIGHT BE
Back in my day when we found a Pokémon we had to beat it to death with a rotary phone
I hope I don’t ever have to provide an alibi because I’ll tell the truth but it will sound unbelievable, like: “At 4pm on Thursday? Oh that’s when I was posting a photo of an armadillo.”
Today I learned not all people are appreciative of vetriloquism. Especially my gynecologist.
Stomach: I am starving. Feed me immediately.
Me: I’m at work, man, can’t right now.
(one hour later)
Me: Cool I’m finally on break, let’s eat.
Stomach: Gross
Wonder Woman: we need more warriors, have you sent in the reinforcements yet?
Amazon Customer Service: …what
Co Worker: I’m a workaholic.
Me: Oh. My. God. He’s been drinking Workahol!!
📂 ACME
└📁 Traps
└📁Elaborate traps
└📁 Roadrunner traps
└📁Elaborate roadrunner traps that work
└⚠️ This folder is empty
Instead of presents, give your kids “presence.” Then explain how homonyms can be hilarious. Then leave forever.
Karma said if you keep calling her a bitch she’s going to show you what a bitch really is.
My cat didn’t get me a Father’s Day card and things are a little tense around here right now.
Prepare your kids for social media by putting their artwork on the fridge and writing a bunch of mean comments under it.
didn’t receive my miso soup. how do i send a picture of something that didn’t arrive pls deliveroo?
Me: What did you do today while I was at work?
Dog: Me? Nothing. Just slept.
Me: I think you’re lying.
Dog: *visibly sweating* why do you say that?
[cash4gold]
Man in a coat: [holding gold bar] “How much is this worth?”“It’s 25 carats…”
[8 rabbits rustle excitedly beneath trench-coat]
I hide photos on my computer of me petting animals at the zoo in a file named FIREWORKS AND VACUUMS so my dog won’t find them.
I used to be able to eat whatever I wanted without gaining weight. Now I pick up a fork and gain seven pounds.
Have my doubts about this “smart water,” considering how easily it’s captured and bottled.
At my funeral, throw my urn into the crowd and whoever catches it dies next.
The bills are washed, the dishes are paid, the laundry’s in the oven. I’m going to bed.