Some people are uncouth but not me, I’m super couthy.
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TODAY
[orchestra]
VIOLIN 1: *pssst* Can I ask you a dumb question?
VIOLIN 2: Um, okay.
V1: What’s up w/the guy in front waving his arms around?
agent, on phone: my clients have decided to accept your third offer
me: it’s off the table
agent: {muffled} ..what about the second
me: also off the table
agent: {muffled} ..ok fine, they’ll take first then
me: hold on, let me get my cat out of here
I replaced the spare tire in my car with a box of wine. I’ve no idea how to change a tire, & I bet I’ll need a drink as I wait for a ride.
Bros before Ohioes
Sex with me is like bowling. Lots of drinking and cursing. Sticking your fingers in weird holes. You have to rent shoes.
Disney can’t even make a dragon without it looking exactly like Elsa
ME: There’s a dead fly in my soup
WAITER: Yes
ME: There’s a dead fly in a tiny burning longboat in my soup
WAITER: Yes
ME: A cricket bard sings his spirit into the next world
WAITER: Yes
ME: My compliments to the chef
Enter password:
“ScoobyDoo”
sorry password must contain a special character
ScoobydooFeaturingBatman
9 called to ask how much bleach it takes to get purple ink out of carpet and because she’s so cute and at her dad’s I went with all of it!
[Ventriloquist Mafia]
“Oh we have ways of making people talk.”
If men knew the effect their scent has on women, they’d shower more and fart less.
[at a bar]
*creepy dude is hitting on me*
Me: you wanna get outta here?
Him: yeah
Me: cool. I would love it if you left.
Rather than waste money on charity for the homeless, let’s invest in splicing their genes with snails so they always have their own shelter.
Me: Your cat looks pregnant
Friend: Impossible it’s an indoor cat
Me: What have you done
STAGES OF HOTEL BUFFET BREAKFAST
1. Admire healthy selection of yoghurt and fruit
2. Start piece of toast in strange grill machine
3. Eat 19 rashers of bacon, 12 sausages and 2.3kg of scrambled egg
4. Toast burned, in bin
5. Eat 4 grapes and a piece of melon to be healthy
If my dad were alive today he would say, “Mark stop telling people I’m dead”
me, to shovel salesman: [at a shovel store] how’s this do with like dirt & stuff?
shovel salesman: i’m not gonna bullshit you it’s pretty good
I’ve never been donkey-kicked in the face before, but I have walked past my teenage son who just applied “one spray” of cologne, so same.
Saw a sign on the highway that said “Kill or Injure a Road Worker: $7,500” but it doesn’t tell me where to pick up the money…
My inner monologue 90% of the time: “I don’t get it.”
To those of you who received a book from me as a Christmas present: just to let you know that they are due back at the library tomorrow.
ME: wow nice costume
COP: step out of the car sir
Spoiler alert: Your ’97 Nissan Sentra doesn’t need one.
Let’s be thankful Gwyneth Paltrow isn’t making masks.
people who clap when the plane lands are insufferable i only clap when the plane takes off and whenever someone exits the restroom
If I had all the money, I would pay people to sneak up behind you and blast a bullhorn right before you hit send on a political tweet.
Don’t have your phone number posted on FB if you don’t want me calling you at 3am drunk asking for the recipe of that cobbler you posted.
jeff bezos trying to escape the earth because of a breakup is the most relatable thing he’s done
When I get old, I’m going to buy a monster costume to terrorize people for own personal gain, like a Scooby-Doo villain.