I can’t be the only person who daydreams about licking people
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Doctors say “internal bleeding” like it’s a bad thing. Blood is supposed to be internal, idiots.
Apparently Zoom sleepovers are a thing and my 11yo is “going” to one tonight.
Now instead of one household taking one for the team and listening 6 preteen girls all night.
6 households have to listen to 6 preteen girls all night.
Thanks 2020!!!
🎶 Take me down to the cubicle city where the boss is mean and the pay is shitty 🎶
Wake me when AI does housework
I think my neighbor just noticed that I was wearing a pair of shoes he put into his trash last week.
150 different species go extinct every single day. Even worse, you keep not being one of them.
Boss: Can I have a quick word?
Me: Rapid
Boss:
her: is there a venomous snake loose somewhere in our house?
him: [releasing a mongoose into the air ducts] don’t be ridiculous
HE DRINKS A WHISKEY DRINK
HE DRINKS A VODKA DRINK
HE DRINKS A LAGER DRINK
HE DRINKS A CIDER DRINK
HE SINGS THE SONGS THAT REMIND HIM OF THE GOOD TIMES
HE TELLS HIS DOCTOR THAT HE ONLY DRINKS LIKE MAYBE ONCE OR TWICE A WEEK HONESTLY ITS JUST KIND OF A SOCIAL THING
OHHHHHHHH
Me: I don’t run away from fear, I face it.
Flying cockroach: hahahahaha
Sorry man, I wasn’t trying to kiss you. You just had melted cheese stuck in your beard and I couldn’t help myself
The 9th rule of fight club is no roller skates. honestly guys I don’t know why we keep having to say this.
To the boy who proposed to me in elementary school: can we talk about this once more?
[eating chicken]
farmer: YOU AGAIN
Just once, I’d like to see an honest Facebook status, like “happy birthday to my average-looking, sort of friend, Amanda!”
Took my dog to the vet this morning. There was a dog named “snot.” Wtf is wrong with people! 😡
Dear guy lighting bottle rocket fuses with a cigarette that’s still in your mouth,
You’re going as a pirate for Halloween.
I’m gonna leave this world just like I came in, dawg!
“Yo, for sure. Kickin and screamin!”
Nah, brah. On a giant spaceship.
Me: What’s the suite number on that address?
8: It just says “Hashtag 301.”
Me: Before hashtags were born, those were called number signs.
“I ate thoup before it wath cool.”
– Hipthter
My neighbor has a couple of cameras on her house, every time I go past I wave at her through the camera, she told me the other day she gives me the finger.
mugger: your money or your life
me: oh you pick
The initials of the Sri Lankan players read like DOS commands. MKDIR, CHKDSK.
Wanted: One (1) flat earther to be my friend so I can talk to you when I’m down and you can tell me my belly is actually flat.
No weirdos.
My ex husbands Voicemail was a trick one where he’d say “Hello Hello, so you think he’d answered and that’s why he’s dead.
I don’t want to intimidate anyone but I did my laundry and took the clothes out of the dryer on the first try.
*licks the powdered sugar off the donuts and puts them back*
Boss: I kinda like these new low-cal donuts. Real moist.
People say ‘bullshit’ like their shit is so high and mighty.
My son just told me everyone wishes they had a mother like me and I don’t know if I should hug him or ask him what the hell he did wrong.
put ur hair in a man-bun. now put ur beard in a man-bun too. congratulations ur now a hamburger. be free, hamburger man.